Jump Than Fly

YAY ME!

2011-03-24T04:34:00.001-07:00

Yes, I've moved to livejournal. That's the first thing I'm gonna say.

Second thing is,

YOU WILL GET A 20% DISCOUNT ON KARMALOOP IF YOU USE THIS REPCODE : epikey

Well, 20% for the first time, and 10 % for the rest of your purchases no matter how many more times you buy from there.

I'm gonna upload a drinks review and uh, my jeans soon.

LIVEJOURNAL

As times go by

2011-03-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

How can you go on, after all that we've been through?

Tashannie's one of my fav female singers. Just saying.

I've moved to livejournal.

bye.

backtrack

2011-03-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

June fourth eighty-nine, the day residents fear; also known as the massacre at tiananmen square.

Of course people won't think much of this if I ever mentioned this to them. I mean, I bet loads of people don't even know about what happened then. I admit, I started liking Jin after I heard this song by him (he was still in ruffryders then). This goes way before my kpop and (even!) jpop addiction.

Speaking of which, it's ww's 10th anniversary today. Yes, on white day.

My parents were there on the day those people died. Cin's dad lent his friend his bicycle and that friend of his died.

It's personal, really.

I'm moving to lj.

you used to be here

2011-03-12T09:16:00.001-08:00

And I'll point to my heart and gesture at the empty room after I say that.

I didn't think much of the Yunnam earthquake until I saw the videos of the flooded airport on CNN/CCTV. And when they said how 千叶县 was affected, I guess you can say that my heart stopped for a second. And than it became irregular.

I know you're not a part of my life anymore, but you used to be. At least, those four (five? seven? two?) months spent together during fourth grade accounts for something in my life. You said you'll call on my birthday, but it's been more than four years and I never heard from you. And than I turn on the television and see that your hometown's practically destroyed. And, well, that's the surname of the first bboy I ever liked.

I said I wanted to tour Hokkaido with you. You told me that Hokkaido was overrated and I'm too skinny to surf at Okinawa. I told you that I hated you.

You know, I probably won't even remember you if it wasn't for those reports. Seeing those pictures can rip one's heart apart; I'm serious about the whole ripping thing.

And after I remembered you, I started to remember a lot of things I thought I forgot. See? Yet another reason for me to hate you (including making me stay up until 2am to write a blog entry when I have to wake up at 7 for tuition).
I didn't choose to love you - I just do. - This was written by me on the 30th of December. I was writing about Kibum then, but I realised (once I thought about it) that I can apply this to a lot of people in my life. At least, it used to apply to people I actually know. And gradually, two other (fuckingretardedidioticgits) people fell into this category. As in, the 'I thought that maybe we could be forever' category.

You used to be one of them. JM used to be one of them. Heck, remember QJ? Yeah, he was one of them. And you and you and you and you and you.

I need sleep so I won't die when I raid gucci and miu miu tomorrow. Wait, I don't even like miu miu.

I can't believe I'm still standing. I can't believe

Look, that was you too.

there's just so much that time cannot erase

2011-03-11T00:37:00.001-08:00

When you cry I'd wipe away all of your tears; when you scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I've held your hand through all these years. And you still have all of me.

Just a post dedicated to emphasizing how time doesn't change stuff, and that time doesn't heal despite all those bullocks about how "Oh, it's alright. Just wait it out because time heals."

A heaven that is now gone, and I can't follow through. Quoted from AC's cover of It's You.

It's okay Cin, I'll freeze with you together in the cinema. We shall wear shorts together because 'live together die together lah'.

Must be below 44kg after the holidays. I swear. It's good that I'm getting really sick of fried stuff. By then I'd hopefully be able to wear cigarette leg jeans instead of just skinnies.

Condolences to the victims of the 8.9 earthquake in Japan. And those who suffered from the Tsunami in Taiwan and the earthquake in Yunnam.

paperplanes

2011-03-10T04:56:00.001-08:00

So I'm still not done with the nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine papercranes I promised you, but I swear I will get it done by the last minute of this year. I might never actually have the guts to send it out to you, but I still hope that somehow, you'll know that there's something from me (to you).

他们说,
喜欢叠纸飞机的人,
许下的愿望,
会比较容易实现.
-N. 世界

Than why is it that those scenarios never happen in real life? This is annoying and I'm so sick of trying to make everything right when I can't, and I'm done wishing for things that can never come true.

Actually, I doubt I'm done with those even if I say I am.

I'm gonna make a birthday wishlist soon (accompanied by pictures OMG!) and it'll feature cheap monday skinnies damn right they will.

these tears ain't coming

2011-03-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

I hated how people used to force me to cry on demand. I'm glad that I'm not living that kind of life anymore, but I have to admit that I do miss those days when the moon hangs high. I realised that I tend to isolate myself during weekends and at night. I hate it when people reply to my messages after 10:30, and I just find it (overall) awkward to be alone with some people when if I'm fine with them in a group.

I need to stop jumping from topic to topic. Sheesh.

I have to stop skipping dinners and go to sleep feeling like shit. I have to stop sleeping with my hair wet and I have to stop biting my lips and pulling on the shoulders of my shirt.

"Sometimes it takes to feel you die to know you really are alive in here." - And you left. No wait, not you. I'm not going to refer to you as 'you' anymore (because you don't deserve it, really). You's are reserved for Jaebum and mr.b. I'm calling you Jehwun from now on (because you don't deserve to be called by your real name or your nickname). I had to wait until you left to realise that I was waiting for something from ~~you~~ him. I waited until he left and was never going to come back again before I realise just how much someone can mean to me.

"And I'd trade my soul, just to wake up from this nightmare they all say is my life now."

No, I didn't dig out that album released 3 years ago (or 2, I can't be bothered to check right now). Lyrics stay in my mind if they're worth the space.

Sometimes I feel like I try to live a life 'worthwhile' in my imagination instead of putting more effort into what's really happening now. If I wasn't here now, I might be doing something better. If I actually continued learning ballet, I probably wouldn't have gone to Boston and if my knee didn't kill itself, I'd be somewhere now. Maybe then I won't be to be 'me' anymore.

Screw what I've said an entry or two before.

Maybe it won't be alright after all.

because life sucks (or maybe not) in a way

2011-03-09T04:20:00.000-08:00

Because Justina wants her pictures from today's sports day. And because I (stupidly, fuck) left my TKGS comprehension in my black English file, which is in school, I decided that, you know, maybe I should be a nice person and upload her pictures for her.

YAY.

(I want to cry shit English is the first period tomorrow!)

My heart is pounding like mad right now and I have no idea why.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.ARGH.

Right. Back on track now.

Rabbit one. Look how the whiskers look so much nicer on the right side (aka the bottom of the picture).
Rabbit two. tee-ee-oh. Two. Not three, not one but -- shit I should shut up.

I think that's my hand and Justina's leg. I don't know lol. But yeah, 13th position for the sec 4 girls! Yay.

OKAY LAST PICTURE BEFORE I GO AND EDIT THE REST OF THE PICTURES FROM MUH PHONE BYE.

C

amazing

2011-03-05T05:43:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how far we've gone before we even thought of turning back.

Guess what, it's too late now. We're stuck here together - you're stuck with me and I'm stuck with you and we can be one small sad family together because this is life.

I realise that I spend too much time telling myself to do things when in reality I'm not actually following what I'm setting for myself. With that, I'll be going no where. Which means that I'll be stuck in this shitty place forever because I hate the humidity, which means that my knee will never heal.

You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX.

You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

Above quoted from the intro of one of my favourite tumblr. She used to post beautiful remixes but they kind of disappeared. Onew stan. Onho stan? (Doesn't matter) Of course the first thing that caught my eye was Seatac. Of course I wish that in less than five years, I'll be able to set foot there and feel like, maybe, just maybe, I'll belong at some place again. So what if the west coast is a huge call from the east coast? So what if...so what if I'd never make snow angels in the backyard of a neighbour's house again?

There's a lot of so what's in my life, and I realise that many things I want can't happen. I don't mind waiting. Or maybe I do. I don't mind searching either if I really want it that much. or maybe I do mind, too.

I keep searching, keep looking, cherie amour, this heart beats only for you.

Two years ago (has it been two years already?) I fell in love with that song. It's still on replay in my phone sometimes, but that doesn't happen that often anymore.

I just saw extremely recent pictures and I saw how beautiful he looked and tears just came to my eyes again. Because I know that if anything happened to SHINee, that smile won't be on his face anymore. Yes I happen to be complete and utterly biased but this is my blog and I get all the say in the world.

Apart from reading end-of-the-world fics, I'm reading stories of how SHINee disbanded and how fucked up double min became. Yes, I should stop doing that.

I often wonder if I'm borderlining depression, but than I realise that, hey, I still can be happy, I'm not hopeless yet.

I wish that I'll stop recognising the different pants they always wear and know that someone else wore it too and pinpoint the almost exact time they wore it.

Or maybe things will be fine after all.

things that fall don't have wings

2011-03-02T03:45:00.000-08:00

This is a scheduled post.

Every time I'll ask myself - what do I want to be in the future? Model answer's a stylist, or something that fringes anything eccentric because I can't do a day to day 9 to 5. And than I'd ask myself again - how are you gonna get there?

The answer's simple, really. I'll get good results for my O levels, than I'd be able to get into a JC of my choice. And after choosing all subjects as humanity except for like, Math 1, I'd graduate and get into the University of my choice. Which is, say, either in Boston, in San Fransisco or Seattle. But what am I going to be doing after that?

My mind goes blank. I don't know where I'd be by than, because life isn't going to be easy for someone who didn't major in Science or Math. Engineers are in demand, but I don't want to just live a life like that, get a boyfriend, get married, have kids, grow old. In that order, yes.

I told Cin that I didn't want to get married, and I wanted to travel the world. And after I did all those, I'dd retreat to the mountains and become a nun and not eat meat and hopefully be a slim nun or something.

Maybe by then, I won't always be disappointed by small things people who doesn't even know that I'm alive did. I don't give a damn if Jay has no eye brows or he's in the guiness world records for the most number of tattoos (beating the cheetah guy). I won't give a damn about Key gayifying himself or him doing shitty butt dances. I won't give a damn about bling having a girl friend since he'd probably be married by then and have a mistress, or Taemin changing schools because his attendance is not up to standards (SM, like I'd believe you). Or Geng growing into an old actor whom no one remembers. Or DBSK fading away like H.O.T (they may be back, but what's Kangta doing now? Moon Heejun grew fat. But I still like him.).

By then I won't be blogging anymore.

Adios.

if you think you're dope than maybe i will smoke you

2011-02-26T21:34:00.000-08:00

Yes, I do realise that I tend to overreact a lot when it concerns something that I like. Like, it's not that I can't stand new fans. It's that I can't stand knowing that they're just in for the sake of liking the 'it' thing now. But people can't even tell the difference, so somethings I don't know why I even bother.

I don't even know if this entry is gonna be posted since I have like 7 different drafts just sitting there gathering dust.

...See? This always happens. I'll get distracted by something else and by the time I get back to this window, I'd forget what I wanted to say before.

"Tell me what you did to me to make me write about you at 4 AM, three years later."

See, I'm always inserting random shit into my posts because I trailed off yet again. I'm still trying to finish copying Jay's 6'7 remix, and I suddenly thought of this : does anyone still remember that Jay Park fansong that's recorded like, a million and one years ago?

I remember having this song on replay in my room back in September 2009. Time sure flies. This is the difference between fans who liked 2pm before Jay's departure and fans who started liking them after the whole thing. If you liked them before, and if your bias was Jay, there's 99.9% chance that you'll hate on 2pm for letting Jaebum go like that. But if your bias was like, Taecyeon or something, you'd hate on Jay just because he made the group suffer. (But you can't forget how they called him a thief, an organism, and accused him of doing things that he never did). But if you liked them after (like, you know, the drag queenish I'll be back thing), you'd probably like them both. Good for you, but I doubt you'd have the kind of attachment that older fans have, because you ain't gone through nothing yet.

And to Jay, always waiting on the other side

2011-02-21T04:13:00.000-08:00

I found it. I finally found it. I found the book where the quote from the title of my entry is from.

I remember seeing that on tumblr in early, early, early 2010, and that line was just stuck in my head and it got me googling for months just trying to find out where that quote came from or if someone just made it on like PS or something. But I found it, and it's pure coincidence.

I borrowed that book three weeks ago just because I liked the title. It's called 'Lock and Key' with a picture of a (oh wow) lock and key on the cover. Yes, I borrowed that book just for the title. I didn't even bother reading the summary, I just saw it, took it, shook it in front of Cin's face and borrowed it.

So I finally got around to reading it (after letting it gather dust for three weeks, good thing I extended the borrowing time) and the first thing after the publishing dates and copyrights and stuff is, yes, THAT LINE. You have no idea how freaking excited I am right now.

Okay, so maybe those who're reading this won't get why the heck I'm so excited, but it's a real big thing for me to find it because I've been looking for it for nearly a year and a month. I can't find that tumblr post right now, so sue me. I have no idea if a part of that's from the Liverpool slogan or anything, but that, is, what, I've, been, looking, for.

Saving this entry.

Using this edit because I can't be bothered to resize the original. Yes, so I saw that quote on tumblr more than half a year ago and I finally found it. Why am I repeating myself so much these few days.

I'm actually hand-copying out the lyrics for his 6'7 remix. I never liked lil wayne, so I never heard the original, and I don't think I will any time soon. Like what J just told me in her email, we both need to get our priorities straight. She's in her Junior year and I'm in my last year of High school and I really need to pull my socks up higher.

Oh man. I seriously don't know when I can finish copying it. It's not like it's gonna help me in my Common Tests or something. But I feel like that can prolly take my mind off some things (which are, ya know, really distracting). Crap I'm starting to talk like Jay in his raps. That's definitely not a good thing.

I don't know what I'm doing nowadays, which is, again, a really bad thing.

B.

Springnicht

2011-02-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

Those kind of awkward moment of silence you get when something happens.

So I happily skipped into BC this morning and sat down to talk to my classmate. I was wearing that Denizen shirt I got last when me and Justina went to shop for her 'dance' clothes (but ended up buying other stuff. I think).

Wait why did Navi send me a direct message on twitter. Okay. I'm off track.

Anyway, I spent like 10 minutes looking for that shirt in the morning because I wanted to wear it with my Zara jeans. You know, since the shirt's like big and baggy and the jeans are skinny - contrast ya know, contrast.

About 10 minutes into the lesson, the-person-whom-I-shall-refer-to-as-mr.bboy walked in and he went to talk to the teacher (Caroline? Carolyn?) and I completely sat there gaping and went like "Shit! That person's wearing the same shirt as me!"

Fine it wasn't exactly the same he was wearing the black one while I was wearing the white one.

Shit it was so awkward. A few minutes later Teckwee(?) went like "LOL you two are wearing the same shirt."

WAIT SHIT WHY THE HECK IS TIFFANY'S PICTURE ON THE KOREAN DENIZEN WEBSITE. It's not fair. Why is it that the Korean clothes are so much nicer than Sg's plain ol' checkers. This is unfair.

Can't find a picture of the shirt. Can't be bothered.

It's 2pm now. WEE. I hate Jerlene because she made me watch Dream High. Alright, she didn't make me. The reporter at the beginning looks like either g.na or that person from qualifications of men (the other nella fantasia person). AND LOL WHAT SORT OF NAME IS K. Like, Since L is taken they chose K instead? -eyeroll- Um, it doesn't happen to stand for King right, cause if it did I'd puke out my rice wine. How did Bae Yongjun get involved in such a thing. Anyway, watching the video on youtube means that I'll scroll down to read the comments (omg this sucks! omg taecyeon taecyeon taecyeon) and MY LIFE THE ENGLISH IS ATROCIOUS.

Sigh.

But I'd watch for IU and Wooyoung's love line because IU is so freaking pretty. But why isn't it Sohee or someone that's acting as the main girl instead of like, uh, Suzy. LOL K LOOKS LIKE AARON CARTER FROM THE BACK SHIT IS THAT TAECYEON. I'm sorry but is Suzy lip syncing lol she doesn't suit those kind of opera sounds.

...Whatever happened to the 'wine' in rice wine I can't taste the wine. T_T

It's kind of sad to see SHINee lypsyncing their dance tracks. But it's their first concert. DBSK did the same for Rising Sun. Aigoo. How many years ago was that. Uh yeah, I get that you are the SHINeeSHINeeSHINeeSHINeeSHINee and you're never gonna let us down (even though you already did but oh well). Let's see if you can sing this again in like, 2 years time. Alright, I''ll be nice and say 3. Or maybe 4. Shit what if some of you tries to leave in the future but is held down by mr. frog eye.

Wait LOL what instant karma. Took me like 2 freaking minutes to see what's written on that thing. Omo wait is K wooyoung.

Oh wait K is KHJ. -infinite wtf-

Bright Eyes

2011-02-10T04:20:00.000-08:00

And now my heart is breaking and my hands are shaking. But you aren't even surprised. It's like you're used to this feeling.

Hey there, it's gonna be our last show.

Please be there.

and we are just still on the street

2011-02-10T03:57:00.000-08:00

Hey there,

I've been wanting to dedicate one fuckass long entry to you for a long time, so I shall now even though I have like a gazillion other stuff to bitch about (like guys who can't dance but still act like they can and bandwagon-hoppers who call themselves true fans). But more on that later.

It's been almost two years since we last talked, and I'd really like to catch up on those days, months, years we've lost. Of course, if I actually had a way to contact you, I will. 'Cept I don't. I don't even know why I'm using such a bitter tone, but you left and you left and that's what happened and nothing can change that. My hands are trembling as I set them down and I have no idea why that's happening. Probably because I'm pissed off everyday since you left and there's no one to control my bitchfits anymore.

All my bad habits came back because of you. I'm spending money like water on things I don't even need (only because they remind me of you) since you're not there to stop me from going crazy.

That's it. I'm stopping here. I need to bitch to someone or throw a tantrum or drown in the shower or something. Because you're not here to help me and you haven't been here in two years.

And to think that for more than a year, I scrutinised all of the korean bgds to see if you were there.

kimi no koe

2011-02-09T04:56:00.000-08:00

(No I wasn't getting out K's album for another listen in 3 years, nor did I dig out my old old old Ayu albums).

I should probably be getting to my Personal Recount essay for British Council because I still haven't typed it out yet (despite having almost everything else done). And I should probably be mourning over everything in life and everything I've lost but I just don't have the emotional energy to spend there.

I really need to get Lovescream, but HMV doesn't have it, so I have no idea where to get it now. Is anyone going to Korea soon? (Or Koreatown or somewhere that actually bothers about Epik High) And it's just so annoying that you can't get MTS anywhere other than their website.

Okay, I'll just say this. "LOL BITCH I LOOK DOWN AT YOU." Oh, that wasn't so hard. I just hate people who follow any random trend just because it's the in thing now. If people start to wear diapers are you gonna follow too?

I don't know when was the last time I checked, but I'm positive that I have at least twice as much Bling pictures in my phone than Key. Which is saying something, since I have like half of a thousand Key pictures in one folder alone? And oh, apparently I have over 200 of Jay's predebut photos in my phone like 'what even'(???) because I haven't touched the ONEDAY folder in so long. And uh, the 2 oclock brothers kind of betrayed each other didn't they.

There is no point in this post at all just so you know.

Is hooked on the Harold song and C Perri now.

Crap.

I can't even fucking think straight right now

2011-02-07T05:58:00.000-08:00

I'm borderline hysterical and I don't even know how the fuck I'm supposed to churn out a fuckass long entry because Joanne said she loved long entries to waste time.

I can't fucking find key. As in, my key, not the Kim Kibum Key. And not my house key, that key that was on the bracelet I posted a picture of a few days back. I can't believe it. It's gone. It's fucking gone and just yesterday I was tightening the ring-thing that connects the key to my bracelet. AND IT'S JUST GONE. THE RING'S STILL FUCKING THERE. How can the thick key thing just drop off when the ring's still on so fucking tightly?

Overdose of swear words here but I don't fucking care. I only realised it when I wore it into the shower and got it wet and I was checking to see if there's any rust on the key when I realised that it's gone it's fucking gone. And I fucking bawling and spent over an hour in the showers just because of that.

Cin got it for me from Shangri-La, and she got it specially for me. She knows that I like key for over two fucking years and she got it for me and it just disappeared. I kept the bracelet in my pocket for the whole day, and the last time I checked (which is like, ten fucking minutes ago) there was no hole in my pocket. YEAH IT FUCKING DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR.

And three of my pens aren't working because some fucking people just tossed it to the floor. And two of it are new pens. HEY, WHOEVER YOU ARE, FUCK YOU I HOPE KARMA/KISMET/RETRIBUTION GETS BACK TO YOU AND YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF DUNKING YOUR HEAD IN THE TOILET.

I FUCKING HATE YOU PEOPLE. AND TO THINK THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE LUCKY SINCE I ATE ONE OF THE TWO PEANUTS HIDDEN IN THAT PILE OF 30+ DUMPLINGS.

last note, Cin I'm sorry for not being able to keep it. Took me two months and it's gone already. You have no idea how upset I am.

I'm gonna go back to crying my eyes out while attempting to revise geography again.

nine-eighty-six

2011-02-04T22:39:00.000-08:00

When you've liked a person for so long, you tend to forget how you actually fell for them in the first place.

I just had to be stupid and crazy at the same time when I did my plan for a personal recount for British Council last last week. Now I have to stick with my story line of Jay rising and falling and Taecyeon being a bitch. I don't even know how I'm supposed to write the first sentence and it's due tomorrow. I still have to go to NTU later for the annual gathering (or something like that). I mean, it's not like I don't want to go and stuff, it's just that I'm too tired to go. Mentally, I don't think I can take it.

All the things that I had been doing for years just starts to disappear.

"So one day you open your eyes in the morning, and the sky that meet your eyes are white; what happened to the blue? You look down to the earth beneath your feet; what happened to the brown? And when you dial that member you have already encrypt in your heart, you realise that the number is out-of-area. You start to wonder where you are, and what happened to the rest of civilasation. You stare at your fingers and notice that they are webbed. Oh right, you remember, I'm a fucking exile. You turn to glance up at the sky again, and you notice, beyond the glaring whiteness of the sky, there are eyes. Eyes that fill with curiosity and repulsion every time you make a move around the space. Fucking specimen, You curse."

안녕 내 사랑 사랑 사랑 잘가요. Just because it's been running in my head for the past few days. Just that line though. I'm just too scared of losing sight of my goals and every one around me.

That's it.

This blog is going private again before Monday.

Fuck this shit.

B.

*image from tumblr

Hold tight baby

2011-02-02T21:56:00.000-08:00

I've been lagging behind on so many freaking things that I can't even begin. One day not checking my email gave me 9 new followers on tumblr, so I guess that's a good thing. Yeah.

I camped at Cin's from 4pm last afternoon to 2am in the morning (today). Yeah. So I watched the Chinese New Year Celebration on CCTV. It was awesome, and it was the first time (ever!) I watched the whole thing. (Alright, I do admit I was like 'wtf is this shit i need sleep eyes closing oh no much open my eyes' a few times during the performance)

My parents were saying how Geng was going to be one of the opening act and stuff. My mom was saying that his hairstyle suited him because it suits his age and whatever stuff. My dad was telling all the other parents how 'this kid's a really good dancer' and stuff. Cin turned to me and went like 'Woah. Your dad knows so much about him'. It surprises me too, since apparently I'm getting all my news of him from my dad. But no, he's not a fanboy and he'll never be one. Oh, and I saw Jam Hsiao and Fang Da Tong after the countdown on tv. But like, lol. I bet no one bothered watching it anymore.

Oh gosh. GAWD. Hi there, that's not how you eat samyupsal or whatever you're trying to do there. You're not Korean so stop trying to act like you're one. You can even pronounce English properly. IDEK. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother about how poseur you are.

Like what I've mentioned before, I'm so freaking behind on everything. Sometimes I wonder if I can just continue going on like this, without needing to know what's happening to him (or, uh, them) so I won't have to tear for the fact that he changed so freaking much and shit.

And oh, Cin was showing me this J2 councilor, and I LIKE HIM IMMEDIATELY. CIN I SO APPROVE GO GO GO KEKEKE. Why? Because at the 'likes' part of his facebook there's only two, and one of it is 'Min Sunye' while the other one is 'Jay Park (AOM)'. HELLO FINALLY SOMEONE WHO HAS TASTE IN THIS WORLD. Cin was like 'I bet you want to know him so you can talk about Jay with him right'. And uh, this guy's not my type.

My types more of the kind like the guy I saw at *scape. Those kind of bright-hitop-wearing, burms-and-hat-donning kind of guy. Like you know, the just-keep-grindin` kind.

And I wonder if this is how it will all end.

B.

Happy lunar new year. Chuseok, or how-do-you-spell-it.

you and I together it just feels so right

2011-01-31T05:09:00.000-08:00

I feel completely and utterly fucked up right now. Mc's Bristro chicken sandwich thing is shit, and I don't mean it in a good way. My stomach is fucking churning right now and I can't even breathe properly without dry heaving so why the fuck I'm blogging I don't know why so shut up.

Because Key has the prettiest eyes next to like, Jay.

You know what? That guy, that guy, that brother of his - he reminds me of Jay. The way he talks the way he walks and the way they say 'sucker'. Like, suckah.

Guess what I can' think right now so fuck this shit.

I'm so vulgar nowadays. I think I'll have to stick a finger down my throat and puke my guts out but crap I'd feel like shit after that so no.

I'm not aneroxic. I wish I was though. At least those fats around my stomach when I sit down and get the hell away from me like "HELLO I DON'T NEED YOU AT ALL GO AWAY."

4minute's What A Girl Wants is running through my mind now like sucky english much but oh gosh it's been in my phone since 2009 so whatever.

ARGH.

I want to watch The Crazies because it reminds me of that Stephen King book where Boston burnt down and people started to eat each other and all of them are hypnotised by this radio thing omg lol they are radio active why am I starting to sound like Jerlene shit I really should bathe and delete this whole entry because it's a pointless waste of space and I'm not even hating on anyone!

I got Koi again for like the second time in a week. I really shouldn't because it's just, you know, killing my wallet and my stomach and my digestive system.

I think Taemin's beautiful. I think Key's eyes are his nicest features instead of his cheekbones. And those creases at the corner of Jay's eyes are rare.

Alright so it's not the best picture of Taemin but since I don't save picture of Taemin that much, this will do. Should have used a picture of him from Lucifer but I hated their Lucifer era (contrary to like, the rest of the world). But Taemin looks like those kind of knight in shining armor that pulls you away from evil witches and wizards and flesh-eating dwarfs.

I should write horror stories instead of my angst filled bullcrap.

See. I told you I told you doesn't this remind you of Taemin. Well, I kind of went like "Taemin!" the moment I saw this picture and Mr. Tan gave me this look like 'did you just speak English' (well guess what I didn't ke). Picture's from the Tsubasa(?) Chronicles. LOL I used to own a book.

Oh wow look the fingers on the book is mine.

Ok.

Bye.

B

one in a million

2011-01-29T23:19:00.000-08:00

So I've decided that I'll be more active on livejournal since getting my new account, and that I'll focus on that more instead of fangirling.

I know. But its hard to break out of a habit you've had for almost six years. Six fucking years. That's not a short time.

I'll probably private this blog again, so those of you who wants to be added can hit me up with an email or something or just come to me in school to tell me. And uh, give me your email too, whichever way makes you happy.

See? I'm writing this for you again. Remember my previous layouts? How 'I wrote this for you, because that's all I can give'?, how 'I hope you will accept this', how 'for you, a thousand times over'?

I wish Myunghee will update something. It doesn't even have to be a story. Like, her tumblr or lj or blog or something so that I'll know she's still alive. (and kicking).

I don't know how you feel. Alright. And I guess that he's not cocky, he just doesn't like me. I'm surprised her replied and asked me a question too.

And uh, thank you Ana for saying that I'm so hip hop.

Gonna go revise my math.

B.

it's like boom boom boom boom to da pow.

2011-01-29T00:44:00.000-08:00

suckah.

Sorry but I just had to add that in. Because middle-finger-pointing-tattoo-addicted-short-stuff is completely hot. Yeah.

No gosh no I'm not completely morbid yet.

For those who clicked on this because it's linked from dramaqueen2968, HELLO READ THIS ALRIGHT THIS IS NOT XINYI NONONONONONONO. This is the person who created that blog along with Cin back in 2006.

jo-ja!

I'm Beamin`

2011-01-28T02:52:00.001-08:00

Oh my gosh you are such a freaking bitch. Who are you to control others? Just because, I don't know, you're richer than them or you're taller than them or you're just generally better than them in your mind? Let me tell you something, (sucks, I know. It has to me who's screwing sense into you) you aren't that good. You really aren't. So please take your problems home or something or just suck it. Everyone else does that, so I don't see why you can't do the same.

Alright. Now that's out, (wait no I'm not done yet Imma gon take that apple off the back of your mac and eat it like oh my gosh you're such a stuck up bitch.)

No, bitches aren't used for only girls.

Smile. :D

Now that's out of my system, I can get on with my life! Kekekekekekeke. Insert infinite evil laughter/chuckle here please. Yeah, I know. I'm pissed off generally every day, but only for that few moments when something really gets on my nerves.

Anyway, I haven't posted pictures in a long time, so YAY PICTURE TIME! (Ahem). Not editted except for resizing on PS. I can't be bothered to change the colors anyway. Shoot me.

Look at this like HELLO IT'S A FREAKING KEY! Alright so no I didn't buy this. Cin went to Shangrila and Yunnam without me you heartless chaplin. She held three bracelets in front of me and went like "I already know which one you're gonna choose" when she came back. So I took a look at one and said "Ohemglee isn't that a Key?" and snatched it from her so yeah. Basically I didn't really even look at the other two. Jerlene told me that it was some sort of wishing bracelet(?) a few weeks ago. Apparently you make a wish and when all the bands drop off by themselves your wish will come true. What. I do love it.

Oh, that book's called 'Anna and the French Kiss', and it completely and utterly sweet and so Cin. So I'll probably finish halfway and lend it to Cin or something.

This is taken a few days back (or weeks. I can't be bothered to remember because I can't be bothered to open the folder again because it has crap in it that I really can't be bothered to look at again because I can't be bothered by the memories they stir up). Korean restaurant that FTI and Lee Minho and Han Geng and I don't know who came to eat. It's totally like...well, you know that Jajangmyun(sp) place you see in IY in Yuchiri? Yeah. That was how the interior is like. It's thirty bucks a plate, not a person, but you have a person cooking the meat for you so I guess it's alright. It's opposite Haw Par Villa.

See all the side dishes? Since I'm not Korean and I won't ever be one, I didn't even try asking what they are. And uh, the Pajun's nice. (Termina - tor. Pa - jun. 99 - 100 -- anyone remember that? No? Fine. All of you are officially labelled as post2009 kpop bandwagonhoppers. THAT WAS SO EPIKEY EVEN CIN KNOWS IT.)

Their tissue paper was so awesomely disguised I thought it was like a chalk candy or something and I actually bit it. Before I pulled it apart. And my mom was still wondering why they didn't give us tissue paper.

Peipei's iPhone 4.0, Coffee Beans I-Don't-Know-What Ice Blend, Peipei's Juicy wallet and Cin and Peipei's (bonus!) stick-thin arms.

Uh, was this taken last week? Think it was. Bought SMTB's album and ate kimchi soup with Cin in her potato sack. Ah, that book's Meg Cabot's Runaway. Cin's.

AND THIS IS HOW GORGEOUS THE SKY LOOKS ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL EARLY LAST WEEK. See that flamingly blingish eyecatching red dot/light thing? That's why I took the picture. Because I can't cross the road yet.

Yeah. I'm lame. Lamer by the second. Thanks.

Jay's 6'7 is on replay right now, and I love how angry and in-your-face his lyrics became. Right.

Stay fresh & ballin`
Peace and out
B.

P.S - I've wronged you again, haven't I?

Balloons

2011-01-26T03:58:00.000-08:00

I was just going to start going on and on about balloons when I checked my email and saw J's message to me on tumblr. How someone has like, the same URL as me. Go check breathe-myname@tumblr out! I have no idea who he/she/it is, but "really ah, it must be fate" for us to have the same URL! To tell the truth, I thought that was me. I mean, I'm not that much of a fan of Onew, so I won't be reblogging the dubulge and stuff (~~actually I think it's kinda sick but forgive me for not liking SHINee in a sexual way -eyeroll-~~)

Alright. With that aside, I can start ranting on my topic for today! Oh my, I realise that I sound like Eli when he's hosting PIS (LOL PISS). Are the three still hosting the show now? I haven't watched it in a while.

2 May 10 (Mon) 01:32
A balloon can travel places human can never reach unless aided.

I was flipping through my notebook when I saw what I wrote more than half a year ago. I guess I've always been kind-of fond of balloons. And that I've dreamt of flying away with them in my hand. Well, I still want to, but I guess I'm too heavy for that. I remember I blogged about reading a story featuring Brian and balloons before. Was it? And than Swing came out, and I was completely entranced by the clown in that video (and the black balloons. Were there black balloons? I swear there were black balloons.) and of course the song.

And I had a dream this morning (omo I bet if I went to school the dream wouldn't have existed will it?) featuring someone I've been dreaming off a lot lately. And of course, a balloon. I refuse to mention who the person is because Cin's been making fun of how he's 'the true love of my life'. Ew. Just, no. It's so wrong. But anyway, apparently I was looking for him, and when I saw him, he turned around, threw me a small bunch of ropes and let go of whatever that was in his hand. So I had a pink balloon with an extremely hiphop/gundah design in my hand and damn it was tall. And I almost flew away.

I guess thinking about someone before you sleep really makes you dream about that person.

(I have no idea why, but something clicked in my mind and it just started going 'peekah boo peekah boo peekah peekah peekah booooooo')

I don't think I have a point. This. Gosh. Basically I wish that ~~one day~~ a guy would do that for me in real life. Yeah.

What.

You are my best place. That sentence didn't even make sense but who the fuck cares really? It's not the first song I fell in love with in the album (-cough-hwajang-cough-) but I do like it. In fact I like every single ~~fucking~~ song in their first album. I can't say the same for ~~Lucifer~~ Morningstar though.

Seriously? Come on tumblr don't be so shitty on me today. I haven't touched you in like a million years. That came out wrong.

I feel like I should try harder in everything. But whenever the thought, just the though, of not being able to make it into Udubb makes me lose air like a balloon being let out. My comparisons what even.

I certainly do NOT like it when people call Bling 'john hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon'. Hello that's the ex-UN member's name. I don't care if you're my friend but I'm saying this get your pronunciation sorted out if you really liked him you'd watch shows featuring him and when you do you will hear them pronounce his name and if you still can't you either can't hear properly or just can't be bothered.

What a bad person you are.

DUDE TUMBLR I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE INCREDIBLY SORRY I JUST WANT TO GET MY REMIX SO I CAN END THIS FREAKING ENTRY ALREADY.

Tang Seng's really stupid for a monk his status.

21:05
Stay Fresh & ballin`
Peace & Out
B.

One day, I'll be there standing next to you, wiping that smirk off your face as I take that number one label away from you.

2011-01-24T05:51:00.000-08:00

I can't even be bothered to think of a title now because there's like this huge heavy hammer thing that's hammering from the inside of my head right now. Did I mention that my stomach is killing me? No? Alright. Guess what. My stomach is killing me.

I just saw like 3 gifs of Luna and Onew (and someone called Minho who looks like a frog alien, anyone know him?) and Onew did like a 'nice' for Luna and she cracked up and I got so jealous because I want someone to do that to make me laugh too. But only breakers do 'nice' (also known as Nike since it looks similar to the Nike logo) and I've already lost hope in all ~~humanity~~ bboys I know.

Yes I am fully aware of the fact that I am blabbering and I'm not using my punctuations properly but I really can't be bothered since my throat hurts even when I breathe.

Breathe in breathe out.

FTS I'm off. I hope Singtel won't charge me for me using the internet on corby.

B

Just Missed The Train

2011-01-22T21:56:00.001-08:00

For some really, really, really screwed up reason, most of the bboys I know are insanely stuck-up and conceited.

Oh wow it's 1.59pm right now. I am so off topic, yet again.

"Ayeyo what's with chur attitude why you so damn rude." - Sampled from eyk's uh, Cry review.

Where was I again? Oh yes, utterly-and-completely-annoyingly-conceited-and-stuck-up bboys. Seriously? I've been respecting and taking notice of bboys (well, the Japanese ones anyway) since early 2006. Or was it 2005. (ageha era?) And seriously? I respected them although I was still going gaga over Changmin than because he was above 180cm. Seriously. Changmin was only like, 183cm then or something. And now? He's a frigging giant that raises DBSK's mean height.

The spicy rice cakes I made yesterday is making me sick. Damn, J, where are you? I need you to bitch to be right now so I can bitch back about things that don't even matter. If you ever come over you can tell me how much my rice cakes stink. Damn.

People might not know this, but I do tear easily. Even when the harsh stuff that someone said to someone else ain't directed towards me. I didn't even think about how ironic the title of this entry is until I got to that ecareer's thing and started doing that worksheet my teacher left us. Of course I compared Udubb with Boston U. Of course I did. Going to Udubb has been in my mind for more than 2 years now. Anyway, I thought about how if I ever missed the train. Not just any train, but The Train, I might never get to where I want to be in life. I remember watching the whole of 2NE1 TV season 2 last December just because I wanted to oogle at their clothes. Jscott's workshop actually disappointed be because it was more like a warehouse instead of a design studio. (Okay so that means Jscott wasn't as eccentric as I thought he was T_T)

So what's my point exactly?

One day, I'll be thin enough to fit into a size zero. I don't know when that will be since I've been eating non-stop and I've been gaining weight instead of maintaining at 45kg (which has been my weight since I was in Primary 5 oh gawd thankfully I grew taller if not how fat must I be right now). Actually, I won't mind having Bekah's figure, but the thing is, I am not Bekah, so I can't just pull of being bigger than the rest just like that -snaps fingers-. I never thought that Min was skinny like the rest of kpop too when I watched BGGG, but she lost weight.

I don't mind HLW's top though.

I don't like people telling me that 'it's okay'. Those are bull I tell you. Bull.

Finish Dracula just now. I still can't decipher whom he loved when he was still alive (or you know, not-dead instead of un-dead). They lived. It took me a while to realise that John and Johnathon are actually two different people. Oh well.

My teacher's coming soon and I think I'm running a fever. FTS. I really do like Karam, but I prefer him better as a member of xing.

Just had to leave this here. Unfinished work by Kai Xin. Stupid git for working miracles with markers. That is not my hand.

0321
stay fresh and ballin
peace and out
b

Bleeding Hearts

2011-01-21T19:24:00.000-08:00

So I've spent 3 days reading half of Dracula, and it's amazing how I managed to read so much of it since the English is, to me, barely comprehendable. Especially when Stoker actually writes down the accent of the old English fishermen. Oh yes. But Kenny wants to borrow it after I finish, so I know I should extend the duration I'm borrowing.

Of course, the way Dracula so despicably kills Lucy bit by bit, and the way that he always leaves so little of the blood behind, is grotesque. But we had a 5 minute talk at British Council last week, and on the paper it described Dracula as "a being that had a high price to pay for immortality". I haven't read till Dracula's history yet, but at the beginning of the book, (When Johnathon was still in the castle held prisoner), the Count 'said in a soft whisper: - "Yes, I too can love; you yourselves can tell it from the past. Is it not so?"

-side note 01: 3 out of 9 of my most reblogged tumblrs have onew as their bias-

So I'm basically saying that not only you can't judge someone by their outer appearance, but their actions as well.

Right.

I can't stand horror, but I do love mythical things like, I don't know, the Hanging trees? Alright so go blame the Hunger Games for making me so research on it. It's not my fault that they made it into some freako-jack-outta-the-box like, lady dies (or maybe it was the guy I can't remember) and the lover believed that it was a sign so he/she went to hang him/herself at the tree too oh my gosh that's just so glorious and proves that they love each other so much.

Not.

I just flipped through the first page of my notebook (the one where I wrote all my notes in my Corby) and the 2nd one was of Jay. Actually the first was about Jay too but that's not my point.

"27 Jan. 10 (Wed) 22:14
I'd cry if I saw Jay debut as an American rapper."

And 2 months down the road he really did. Nothin` On You anyone?

I still don't like B.o.B even though it's been so long. He's just too mainstream (like how Bruno Mars is after being featured in that and Billionaire). LOL Like Eminem and Usher isn't. See how I contradict myself.

Finished half of my homework. Will be getting to it again soon.

I swear some of my teachers (not those who teach me) are like, sado-masochists. ...More to that later. I ain't naming names though.

12.34
Stay Fresh & ballin`
Peace & Out
B

Cracks in the cement

2011-01-20T03:23:00.000-08:00

Since I've decided that I really, really have to start having a plan and such, the first thing will be decent blog entries. There will be no archives. There will be no chat box. What you see is really what you're going to get, so might as well be like that.

I just want to mention three things, two of which is extremely annoying and it pisses me off to no end because every time it happens, I just want to throw a fit and scream 'what in the name of fuck is you're problem!???!'.

1) Dear you, I know that you may be tall and well-liked and cool and dance well and sing well and rap well and write well and whatever other bullshit you do well, but that doesn't give you the reason to be cold and nasty to everyone. When someone's talking to you, you don't even have the decency to turn around and listen. When someone's passing something to you, you don't even bother thanking the person. Dude. And when you pass something to someone? At least turn and look at that person or something like WTF is your problem did something happen to your neck and now it's like immobilized or something? There's this thing, this big thing, known as 'respect' in this world. And guess what, you've officially lost mine. (And it won't hurt to actually write something on that tiny piece of paper someone gave you. I'm sure that you won't even have to write more than 3 words for it to be filled since your words are like tiny elephant poo. Oh crap I just insulted elephants I'm sorry Jaejoong.)

2) I know you like her and all, and you want to stand beside her, but you don't have to push other people away to do that. The way you're edging your way beside her isn't very discrete, you know. I won't be so worked up if it was only once or something, but I saw it happen four times and I really feel for the person you pushed away. I bet you didn't see the look she was shooting you. Imagine it to be daggers, you'd be minced meat by now.

3) Dear J.W, stop trying to fight the fact that graffiti isn't for you. :D Stick with your cactus flower drawing to please the girls. Mr Chng said that you are too in your circle, and that people who does tagging have this 'thing' in them. This eccentric part to them which people notices and is often thought of as flashy. And he used me as an example, so -shrugs shoulders- maybe we're just different people doing different forms of art. I can't draw manga to save my life, and that's why I'm not even trying to do it. I don't have time to 'try-and-develope-skills' now whilst you do. Make the most of it before you die, alright?

It's kind of, how to you say, disappointing and amusing that a lot of people can't get the finger part in Lucifer correct? No, I'm not laughing. I'm just saying that if you had better control of your body, and if you really set your mind to it, you can do it perfectly. Not like SHINee, but with your own flavor to it. You don't have to stare at Taemin doing it and go 'MY GAWD HE'S A STICK SHAKING DAMN I HAVE TO DO THE EXACT SAME THING'. It won't work because you aren't Lee Taemin.

Did a comparison of Boston U, MIT and Udubb today during CEP. I suppose I'll do something like textile art or creative writing in the future (if I didn't get my dream job, really). And I'd get kicked out of the house by the time I turn 18 because 'those subjects are useless. Why don't you try physics instead to get a stable job of being an engineer or something'.

Some things happen for a reason, and I was kind of shocked (in a good way) when someone told me 'Dudette, I can't see you sitting behind an office table filing stuff. You're the kind that will go out and show the world what you're made off, so go do it.' Well, apparently you've forgotten the fact that I kind-of-broke-my-left-knee-eons-ago-and-it-acts-up-frequently-now-after-my-6-hour-hike-from-vivo-back-to-school but that's okay because I'm really happy for the fact that someone like you contacted me again. Well, you are the person that shoved the fact that JM's with you in my face, but still, those were the days.

I'll do better than you ever will, just so you know.

:D

1950
Stay fresh & ballin`
Peace & Out
B

Public

2011-01-19T03:21:00.000-08:00

This blog is going public. Oh yes it is.

Expect a totally different blogging style from me.

C

So now we go

2011-01-17T05:13:00.001-08:00

The first day of camp was crap. I was cold and hungry and too disgusted by Sticky's Lychee flavoured rock candy that I never want to see them again in a ~~long~~ short time. Fine dining was kind of crappy because HELLO I'M A GROWING GIRL AND I NEED TO EAT. The night walk was good if only it rained before and was cooler and converse had a grip for their soles.

Alright. Complaints aside. My shoes were horrible.

I bought shorts. My sister told me they were hideous and I looked like I had thunder thighs when I wore them so she slapped me - hard - on the back. ~~Fine I admit that I hit her first.~~

My point is that I will start studying harder in order to make it out of Singapore. I just refuse to stay here, so I'm gonna start working towards my aim. Kekeke -insert evil laughter- it's always great to let people think that you're basically slacking off while the rest are working but in reality you're working your ass off. Sent off J's letter (the first part anyway, didn't mail the gift yet) and I'm not-so-proud of myself because it took me like half a year to actually mail it away. Kill me, J.

It's amusing how people complain about how their dreams are illogical and they think they're so cool. It's not funny. It's not funny when you dream of the same person in pink in a monochromic background jumping off a cctv tower while you watched.

You were supposed to be the one who jumped.

Or, I was supposed to.

So basically he backed me up all the way to the edge, convincing me that the 'air is dense and I won't fall and I can walk on air' and than poom I watched him plunge. That was 2 months after Jay left. That was when those nightmares begun.

Never liked Kara.

Have no idea what Jay and Key's up to.

It's alright.

Holla 2011

2011-01-02T05:50:00.000-08:00

You taught me how to be strong. You taught me how to hold on when everyone around us told us that "It can't be done." So now whilst I'm trying to hold you, you're the one who's acting as if you can't be strong, as if you can't hold on.

Remember those word's you've once said to me.

To achieve the impossible, we must first believe that it's possible.

Yeah. I love you too.

Suck It

2010-12-28T04:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like shoving my middle finger up your nose or something when I read your blog so you'd realise how stupid and pathetic you sound.

I don't even know why I was blog hopping. It's just a pure waste of time. Dammit.

Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to think about staying skinny and shit. I can't. I can't just fight what's in my genes and I can't just go on believing that I'm thin because I want to be skinny. NOT THIN. SKINNY.

ARGH. SEL ESTEEM.

Taken the day I went to Sentosa and stared at the waves for 3 hours with the person from the Sun. October? Yes, that's Mr. Bling aka the person with nostrils so huge you can fit a family of five (or the whole population of S.Korea babies) in there.

This is what I wore to THAILAND OMG LIKE HELLO why was I so dumb. I looked like I was heading to Korea or something, some place COLD. Oh, it was November.

ANYWAY,

WHY MUST YOU KEEP MENTIONING KEY. GOSH. I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE HIM! DON'T MENTION HIM FOR GOODNESS SAKE YEAH YEAH YEAH YOU'RE A SHINEE WORLD YAYAYA YOU'RE A -I HAVE NO IDEA WHOM YOU LIKE NOW- YEAH YEAH YEAH YOU'RE THIN YEAH YEAH YEAH YOU CAN DANCE YEAH YEAH YEAH YOU LOVE YOURSELF SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP RUBBING IT IN WHEN YOU KNOW OTHERS DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY.

Whut, are you really out to steal everything that WAS mine?

Fuck this shit.

3Ps

2010-12-25T22:54:00.000-08:00

Pride.Passion. Patience.

Patience is a virtue. I learnt that the hard way when I stood for 4 and 1/2 hours straightening Cin's hair. And she spent 4 minutes straightening mine before declaring that it's void because my hair's too straight for it to make a significant difference. Of course I kept telling her to repeat 'Patience Is A Virtue' to me every time I made a frustrated sound - and of course she ignored it.

That's what I lack. Patience.

And passion. Nothing seems to interest me any more. I don't want to go out. I don't want to do homework. I don't even want to dress in something other than baggy jeans anymore. Or maybe it's the weather. Stupid weather. Hot and cold and hot and humid. What sort of fuckery is this.

I watched 6 episodes of 2ne1tv just to oogle at the clothes that they wear and tell myself that I can never have that. You have no idea how I'd kill to meet Jscott. Or maybe I just like being at airports and jetting off to places. Yeah it involves being awake at 4am to practice, but that's basically my life these few days. And when I look at Sandara I just want to have.her.body. Not Nana's, not Gahee's, not HyunA's. Not even Sohee's. I just want Sandara's body. Because she's thin, stick thin, and she can pull of anything because she's thin. I hate it when I look into the mirror and see dimpled thighs and flabs on my upper arms. It wasn't like this before. So why am I like this now? You have no idea how happy I am every time I see the weighing scale touch 43kg. But after a meal it'd be 45 and I'd feel like crying. So yeah I want my shoulders and hip bones and elbows to stick out and what are you gonna do about it. Yeah, that was supposed to be said in a challenging tone.

I.have.really.fat.shins. And legs.

I don't want to be a designer. I want to be a stylist. This way I can dress extremely thin people and marvel at my work.

I'd wait here till it's late here till you tell me that it's time that we moved on.

Well, yeah.

Feeling kind of down for the whole month. I didn't feel so abandoned when Cin left for Shanghai for 6 whole weeks, but when she left for Yun nam yesterday (or this morning, 3am), I just felt like this rag doll who can't be brought along. I should be there too, if it wasn't for my grand parents who came.

I guess it just goes the opposite way during the holiday (oh, jolly joy joy) season because I had 2 tuitions on Christmas eve and my freaking present was a bean bag which I have to fight over with my sister.

I'm so drained even if I went no where. I can't even be bothered to think about how much Key changed anymore or how fugly Geng looks with that hair or how emo Jaejoong is and how it's DBSK's 7th anniversary today. I've been with them even before their third anniversary. It's sad how things change while the world is moving and you don't even notice those changes. But once you wait a while and look back and compare, you see the vast contrast and you just feel like banging your head against the wall or sticking your middle finger in your throat or something.

I'm gonna get a toned tummy. You fucking wait.

121 - the lock and key theory

2010-12-18T02:55:00.000-08:00

Every single time I catch myself criticising Key, I'd wonder if I'm doing so because I love him or because I'm getting sick and tired of him. I guess although I choose to say that it's the first one, a part of my mind is telling me that it's a bit of both.

Truthfully, I can even begin to imagine my life without Key. Or without Jay. Or without DBSK screwing the whole thing up for me. Once I actually think about it, it's been five freaking years since I stepped into this game. I don't like how this is going.

I don't like how Key turned from this...cool guy who could dance and sing and rap and even act and MC and be stupid with veins on his arms to this - this freaky being who shaves off half of his hair and dyes the bits blond and draws lines under his eyes and sticks glitter there and uses way too much guyliner.

But guess what, he's not gay. And I say all those just because I wish for the Key that I fell for back. I want to see him water-ski instead of doing stupid girl group dances. Knowing that I can do the same just makes me feel weird, awkward, like WTF worthy.

I don't even know how to phrase my words anymore. I just mass-saved Key pictures during his replay days and every time I see his arms I get sad again. Juliette made him into a I-have-no-idea-what-to-call-his-arms. It's like Jesse McCartney from Beautiful Soul to Departure. The huge difference you see when you've started liking the person since the beginning. Of course, people can argue that 'you are too sensitive! Key didn't change!'. Guess what. He changed. And you shouldn't go around saying that he didn't when you weren't even there to see how he was like before. People who start liking SHINee during their Lucifer times actually have the cheek to come up to me and tell me that I'm wrong and I don't know them and what shit. I DON'T KNOW THEM. I admit to that. And I'll raise my hand to you if you actually knew them. But you don't either. I'm saying all these from a POV of a fan who started liking them before Ring Ding Dong before Key was labeled as 'gay' (which means that it's before yunhanam. hmm) before he started doing girl group dances.

I guess one of the huge factors that affect my perceptive is because I left them during, what do you call it, their growing years. Where their ego starts bloating up so much that you can't even stuff them into Bling's oversized nostrils. Speaking of which, I started liking Jonghyun before he was called Jjong by the fans. Oh yeah. I left them for 2PM.

~~Seriously. What was I thinking?~~ I realise that I don't regret liking 2PM. I just regret not paying that much attention to SHINee during those times when I strayed. Like when SHINee won number one and Bling was there crying, I stayed to watch him cry for that one minute and twenty six seconds with tears in my eyes as well. But I wished that 2pm would have won.

"No matter what happens, even when the sky is falling down, I promise you, that I'll never let you go."

See.

No matter what happens, no matter what sort of person you become, I'd never stop liking you. See. Fall in like this season. And the many past seasons.

I should start trying to make sense.

457

2010-12-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

Almost exactly a year ago you told me to stop counting. "U should stop counting, he's not coming back o.O" - that was what you said. And I guess a part of me did stop counting after what you said. But still, I continued counting, writing it once a week or less. 4 months later, his video came out. And I kept counting. Even when he returned, I still continued to count. See? He came back didn't he? My counting wasn't in vain, was it?

But the thing is, maybe it would have been better off if I had stopped counting after November 2009. Maybe his comeback would have been different. Maybe he wouldn't have gotten his tattoos. Maybe he'd stop stripping at every single show.

I guess some things don't change.

Smile.

So...

2010-12-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

I guess I should start doing something. Like going out when people ask me and not just make some stupid excuse about being tired and stuff. I shouldn't always feel something burst in me whenever I'm getting ready to actually go out and poof, the feeling disappears and I feel drained again.

HA.

To think that I came back to SHINee because I thought nothing bad will happen to it. I should've known. Actually, I kind of expected this already. DBSK SJ WG 2PM FTI, now this. Things changed since Juliette and why doesn't anyone realise it.

fml.

I'm Back

2010-11-23T03:52:00.000-08:00

Hearty Paws 2.

Dongwook.

Headphones.

SHINee.

Paragon.

Shorts.

New Era cap.

Rayban shades.

I am back.

TEOTH

2010-11-10T04:33:00.000-08:00

Why don't I just write teeth as the title of this entry and get over with it.

Since my Chinese O levels are over, I can finally go out and send the shirts (3! 3! 3!) I bought eons ago to the respective gonna-be owners of them. It's free size, but I'm not sure if they'll fit because, well, I never bother trying stuff before buying.

Once upon a time I was so thin that people thought I was anorexic. LOL FUCK OFF. I guess I love my stamina, and how I can be so obsessed with some things that don't matter. Now? All I want is to get my weight back on track and do something about my life because, seriously, I'm screwing it up big time. I guess I do need a motivation. After Jay left, I don't even know about Udubb anymore. I guess the main desire is to get out of Singapore (or any country along the equator and has less than 2 seasons - SUNNY AND RAINY) and probably never look back. Not Beijing. Maybe when I'm old and have no desire to travel anymore. One day, I will travel over Europe with someone close. And eat as much as I want BECAUSE I"D BE WALKING LIKE CRAP OH YEAH.

I have another tumblr, but it's more personal and way less reblogs and slightly more graphics. Yeah.

I wish I had the passion for dance again, like how I learnt House like my life (was) on the line or something. It used to be such a new and unique form of dance. Shuffling and crip walking didn't even exist in my world then. I've decided that I will never learn shuffling just because.

Oh gosh.

I need a break from this crap.

I miss Minho and Monkey on Dream Team.

I miss the old star golden bell with Nicole (even if I don't really like her).

I miss star golbin bell.

I miss Yun Dohyun's love letter (where I first watched the wonder girls live on tv and wonders WTF that guy in tight pants was).

I miss.

2010-11-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

"Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought - useless and disappointing."

"I'm sorry I waited for the rain."

I feel like such a shitty person for not talking to so many people in such a long time. But I only have like 45 minutes to be online and sometimes I just hide from whatever that I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah.

I'll talk to you guys soon.

one one five

2010-11-05T05:31:00.001-07:00

Just went through J's tumblr till the 5th page (gosh it's a bitch that MF can't see the next button) and my mood is even worst even youtube is down.

LIKE HELLO. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SHIT TALK SOMEONE AS AN ANON GET SOME GUTS IN YOU, OR A BACKBONE AND SAY IT TO HER FACE. LOL. Haters gon hate. Tweeters gon tweet. Bloggers gon blog.

to the left - haters.

114

2010-11-05T04:25:00.000-07:00

Some people change for the worst, some for the better. I wish I was under the category of the latter (oh it rhymes yay) but somehow I know things are tilting to the first one. I hate that. I wish I'd handle myself more like an adult since I'm turning 16 in like what half a year and I tend to just ramble on and on while stuffing my face with korean snacks and chips and omg the screw bar

Off topic.

I know.

I should just change my layout and make this shit public again so people can start bashing the heck out of me again. Personal entertainment much. Hello, if I was some sort of stupid puppet to you, I'd be standing on stage flaunting what I (used to have) and not sitting here in front of a computer and talking to myself.

Oh yes.

Those dreams seem so far now.

I used to be so young.

This one's for J

2010-11-01T03:39:00.000-07:00

It's her big 16th today! WOOTS!

THIS ONE'S FOR J.

Alright. A 16th birthday means almost nothing in Asia because the legal age to drink and drive and club is like, 18. NO YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THEM ALL AT THE SAME TIME. But J's in LA, the states, so yeah.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

WOOTS!

Oh yeah. I already prepared your present and card and stuff, just waiting for my dad to be in a good mood so he can send it off for me. -nod-

I've suddenly ran out of things to say, but hey J, thanks for being there. We bitched about shit together and yeah. I don't even remember the first time we talked - you worked as a reviewer for MC, aye? And you saw my first ever layout with Key and Bling and that was before I even acknowledged there's such a thing as JongKey - It's just Key and Jonghyun, best friends for me - and than we started talking and the Jay shit broke out and yeah. Glad you were there. BUDDY. LOL. I'm not too late to say this, right? Wait, your day just started lolol it's like 3am over there.

Sorry I just ate too much Reese's peanut butter cups and potato chips.

Congratulations C, you're on the right track to growing fat.

Love you, C

Light It Up

2010-10-30T21:58:00.001-07:00

I seriously believed that I was stronger than this, that I could keep my dreams in tact while being a fool about a lot of things. I guess that's not true.

People say when you forgive, you love.

I say that when you forgive, you lose. You're giving in. But hey, that's my own theory so I don't give a crap about how you see me. Anymore. I'm over it.

"I used to hate to see you go."

I keep thinking. I keep thinking. That everything never ends and everything is just yet another crappy beginning of something even more undesired than what happened before. I really wish that SHINee will last. Be the next one after DBSK to break the four year curse. You're almost there, just a year and a half to go. You can do it.

Please.

Yes I'm selfish oh so selfish ladidada. "If I'm gonna tell it than I'm gonna tell it all, damn near cried when I got that phone call."

No, it wasn't the worst day of my life when I know about the JongBLAH couple. It wasn't even the worst day of my life when Jay left. Those stupid sense of foreboding and stuff and I know that something bad will happen again. Soon.

Ok. So I want SHINee to last because they're the last group I'll probably ever like. Yes, D-NA is cool, but I can't get into them like how I did with SJ and DBSK and SHINee and 2PM. Just listening to music just doesn't cut it, in a way. It's like I can never get to know them and whatnot. And SHINee? You were going to strong. So, so strong. Even Cin agreed that it's possible that they'll surpass the heights of DBSK one day. That was before Lucifer. Before Hello. Before that stupid scandal that most of the world didn't even think will happen. I don't even know why I disapprove of this couple. Maybe because it's too sudden. Maybe because it's SHINee - the yunhanams, dongsaengs of kpop (or at least, the image of their debut stays with me) - and they're not supposed to grow up and get a life. Perhaps my perception will be different if I started liking them during Ring Ding Dong or something. I won't be looking at them like little kids, or older brothers. They'll just be 'SHINee'. I probably won't even be that into them. I tried to like BEAST/MBLAQ when they just debuted - Doojoon because he was from Hot Blood, Thunder just.because. - but it didn't work out. Yes, they are less scripted and more real than SHINee because they're under a whole diff agency.

Maybe if this was WGM, I'd warm up to them. But this isn't and this is real. I guess I just don't like the idea of someone I idolise being attached. Like I feel this sense of shame to have his pictures and his songs in my phone because he's already attached and I'll be the bitch. But you're not supposed to have a personal life. You traded that in along with your soul so you can debut and get fans and presents and money and fame. You can't have everything you want. Fans vs girlfriends. If this goes on, SHINee won't last. And if they don't, it's gonna be your fault no matter how many excuses SM can come up with in good time. I'll support you no matter what, I'll just push the whole hooha out of my mind somehow and keep going like nothing ever happened.

But it's not the same anymore.

Of course this isn't a rest of my life kinda thing. But it sure felt like it.

When it lasts.

I bet Key's being a fucking bitch to you because you completely ruined your friendship to a certain extent. I bet he feels like he lost. They say bros before hos.

I hope you get this.

...

When the fuck did I start referring to him as you? That's reserved for Jay.

Those Walls

2010-10-28T06:11:00.001-07:00

And all that jazz. Life's a mess. It feels like Jay's departure all over again. That's actually the main reason I cried because of the JK shit. It just made me realise how hard falling for Jay was, and how slow it took me to realise that he was really gone. And now I feel like a freaking bitch for liking Bling because he's already taken and I'm in-a-sense liking some other girl's man.

But it's lonely up there, isn't it? You haven't reached your peak yet. I know Jonghyun's extremely happy - I don't know him, but if I were him I'd be damn happy cuz hello, dream girl - but what about, oh wait. Jonghyun's an AB. He knows himself. He doesn't like other people praising or pitying him. Yeah.

I bet you're feeling like you lost when you've actually won.

It's lonely at the top, so you better know why you're there. - John Maxwell.

I won't stop supporting you. I'd just delete your recent Hello pictures. The clothes stink anyway. And oh, it's nice of Jonghyun to stay in Korea and be with her when he's supposed to have a leg broken and he's so hurt that he can't make it to Singapore for the kpop night when almost all the people went for SNSD and SHINee. And oh, FTI and Big Bang.

~~Why wasn't I there.~~ I'm glad I made the decision not to go in the first place.

2010-10-25T05:46:00.000-07:00

It doesn't even matter where I am or what I'm doing. It's like I'm at this void in life with nothing to look forward to and I'm just doing everything I can to get by. I know I should start studying for my Olevels next year, but the moment I step into my room and stare at the floor-ful of textbooks and remember my schedule for this and the 2 following weeks, I just go "fuck it" and walk away.

I keep finding myself wandering downstairs with nothing in mind. And I'd realise that I'm just being stupid and so I'll get myself a glass of water or something and come back and stare at the computer screen once more. I want to write something, I feel like writing something, but nothing's coming out. I reread Ephemeral and I realised that I liked it. I want to write like that again.

I wish I had something to look forward to. SHINee's already out of reach. It used to be like "one day I'll become a professional dancer or MC and I'd meet them." but now? I'm too old. I can't do it anymore. I'm not twelve anymore.

And I want those shitty new authors to have at least their grammar right for their title. Is that too much to ask?

gosh.

Rush

2010-10-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

I was scrolling through my messages in attempt to delete some of those I don't need anymore, and I saw this message Jess sent me 2 months(3?) ago with information concerning the kpop concert. I looked at the date and started to freak out. It's in 2 days. Two fucking days. SHINee is going to be here like, tomorrow.

And I started to freak out for the whole day. It got worse when I saw one of my lit classmates with a Minhwan placard - neon yellow on black paper.

"Stop thinking about it. It's going to make you even more sad."

Truthfully, I don't want to see SHINee live. If they came during their AMIGO times (when no one in singapore knew them I freaking miss those times) I'd have gone knowing that the place won't be filled with screaming fans. But now I can even expect what's going to be there. I don't like it. Seriously. But Big Bang's coming. I'd watch for Big Bang. And Karam.

And when I think of SHINee, I don't think of forever. Anymore. This is weird. Chin cha chin cha chowahae. Oh I love Eugene. I loved that show. -nod-.

I guess I just don't want to risk everything by saying that it's forever when in reality I won't be able to keep that promise.

I have to clear my locker by tomorrow and it's filled. FULL. CRAP. AND I HAVE CCA TOMORROW SO I'D GO HOME AT THE PEAK HOUR. SHIT.

And I just got my schedule for the next 3 weeks. Oh gosh.

Weight

2010-10-18T04:48:00.001-07:00

I should stop eating so much and start doing something about my weight. No, not my weight - how I never seem to look my weight.

And oh,

http://kisstheroses.blogspot.com/2010/10/awesome.html

It's not about what charmaine posted, it's about - YES IT'S ABOUT KEY OKAY. Like how Justina said she felt insulted when Jethro said something about Lucifer(?). That's how I feel after the kwave shit. It's about people who don't care much before this and sudden omg it became cool and BAMF. I talked to J, to Jaem, to Gee, to almost everyone about it and how many actually get me? Fuck my life. NONONONONO IT'S NOT ABOUT CHARMAINE POSTING IT! It's just about Key. And Bling's fail hair - please don't has it back. OH FUCK.

dawg.

Bitches gon hate.

After Dark

2010-10-18T02:30:00.001-07:00

This is where you see me laughing all happily and crying at the same time. I'm happy. But those tears aren't tears of happiness. Longing, stress, waning emotions or whatever shit.

Yeah.

After Dark.

I'm. watching. you.

Only You

2010-10-18T02:20:00.000-07:00

Only you, 니가 아님 날 고칠 수 없어 난 다시 웃을 수가 없어, it's only you my baby it's only you.

This song popped into my head and I've been singing it to Jerlene for the whole day (much to her dismay). She resorted to cutting me every time I open my mouth. But whatever. I'm not beef you ninny. I won't get more tender the more you hit me.

I need ~~tenderlovingcare fml~~ food.

Itsuka

2010-10-17T02:45:00.000-07:00

Someday. Someday. Someway. Sometimes.

Sometimes I really wish I could just stick my middle finger down my throat and force all the gunk I chowed down out of my body so I could be thinner. Like how I used to for the whole week after he was gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Disappeared off the face of earth in a white beanie and black burms when it's fall going winter on the east coast (if I'm not wrong).

Someway.

Someday I'll fly away from here. Somewhere better. Some climate that suits me. Somebody that loves me.

Yeah that's it.

It doesn't matter, really.

2010-10-17T00:02:00.001-07:00

So even if this shit of a person is named Jay Park, or Kim Key, or Geng Xin, or XIAH-TIC or whatever, they're still Park Jaebeom, Kim Kibeom, Han Geng and Kim Junsu respectively.

I keep blogging about how much I missed SHINee's amigo style when people called them gayassed rainbow outfits and stuff, but I liked it. And than came Juliette - the start of the what the fuck era for SHINee. They finally decided to take a chance and move forward because hallyu was in (cue ~~gayassed~~ london choco roll lee minho and flour covered geum jandi) and thus Jonghyun became evil and started to scheme for ways to make them more famous even though it's the leader's job to do so. Thus, his hair grew yellow because of how mean he is. Being the feminine half of JongKey (or Keyhyun in Key's eyes), Key decided to match up with Jonghyun by having rainbow hair! Shit, their babies will become deformed FML. Taemin became the vamp that needs to pee badly and something died on Minho's hair and stuff and I can't remember Onew's hair but that's not really the point.

Point is, I've been in this game for over four years now. It'll be five next year, just saying. I'm proud to say that I've been liking SHINee from the beginning because of who they are and how Taemin kept blinking and not answering questions and crap - I fell in love with their rainbow outfits and normal hair. I don't need eccentric half-shaved heads or blonde fringes or orange hair.

I don't need this person to be Key. This is...not Key. For the whole video it feels as if I'm looking at someone else because. Just because. Key didn't look like Key. Or maybe because that's not my image of him. FUCK I DON'T CARE. KEY IS NOT KIBEOM. JAY IS NOT JAEBEOM. But as long as they're there, I'm fine.

It doesn't matter.

Missing You

2010-10-12T02:53:00.001-07:00

Just got off the phone with my second aunt. I was so shocked to hear her voice that I can't even begin to place where that familiar voice was from. I used to be so close to her - closer than my mom, even. And after I went to Singapore when I was like a five-month-old twurt I started becoming awkward with everyone that I used to be close with. It's like although I look completely fine on the surface, the awkwardness still shows, somehow.

And than my cousin brother picked up the phone sounding like he just woke up from a nap or something. Actually, to think about it, even if he was awake a few hours ago he'd still sound like he just woke up. I wish he'd do something about his life because he's gawddamned smart and can cook a mean fish soup (even though I don't drink it). Stop drinking and smoking and start doing something with your life. Don't let aunt down, because I love her and I love you and you'll never see this but I'm still telling you.

~~Fuck~~ yeah.

She told me to go back to Beijing and visit whenever I feel like it. And than I realised that I can't, and that I haven't been back since 2007? I miss that place so freaking much. Oh wait, it's 2008. The year that Super Junior-M debuted and I went all the way outside the place only to find that there's already a crowd and I didn't have money on me so I walked all the way home in the cold. But I saw SJM. I saw them. Alright fine. I saw Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi and Henry. And than I left because I felt like an idiot standing in a huge place with no one there.

Topic topic topic.

I realised how much I freaking miss my mom's side of the family. I'm not a huge fan of my dad's side because they hate me as well so fuck it I'm not bothering.

My exams ended. I'll be shopping for dance clothes (LOL WTF. DANCE CLOTHES NEED SHOPPING?) with Justina. I'll probably be like wth, and I'd show her my fav shoe shop and I'd have no refugee anymore but fuck it.

I'm such a materialistic bitch - I know it. New things make me happy.

New layout new layout.

Can't Hold Us Down

2010-10-11T03:29:00.000-07:00

Just listened to Christina Aguilera's Can't Hold Us Down. While Music Bank was (is still) playing on TV. Totally fucked up.

I told myself I won't let anyone bring me down because of what they say or what they do and shit, but I feel like I don't even have a life that belongs to me anymore. This is just shitty in it's own way.

I have no idea who that guy is - "Everyday a rainy day" - but he sounds like Key a lot during his A.MI.GO times. This just got me even more pulled by how much I missed they Key during that time. The normal-haired, tall dancer-cum-rapper that could do no wrong. Key was awesome during Ring Ding Dong, I do admit it, but he started to...evolve? (I'm not gonna say change because who am I to comment) and became all feminine and all Kwon-diva-ish. Is it because he KNOWS that he's not allowed to show his full potential because of how well-rounded he is? That's why he has to show the world that he can do more than just sing, rap, nag and dance? That's why he started taking up girl group dances? No, he's not doing it in a kkab-kwon way.

I should stop talking about Key. It's making me depressed. That girl from SISTAR has awesome legs - the one who was on Dream Team. So thin. FML.

People said 'man you fucked up you're dead to me'.

He came back alive.

They said they can't make it anymore without SM, without AVEX.

They came back, doin` good.

They say he can't survive alone because he just can't.

He came back with a world tour performing at prestigious places that even the 13-member strong manband didn't set foot in before.

Shit.

That blond girl looks like she's pregnant lol, no hate. Who's Chae Dongah.

Just saying

2010-10-09T23:28:00.000-07:00

I AM A DANCER. I AM A DANCER. I AM A DANCER.

Those words are what I wrote in my diary back when I was in Primary school. Was it the time when I just came to Singapore? I swear, I loved those days because I used to be thin and tall compared to the rest and I was so smart and I WAS A DANCER and frankly speaking, I felt like I was awesome.

Alright. No I didn't. There's this girl, who is really ehh large, and her mom is large as well, so when she saw me and my mom she completely went like "Oh my gosh your daughter is so thin is she anorexic?" Trust me, if I could bite her face off right then and there, I would have. Oh wait, I won't bite her face. I'm just reading SHINee being vamps and how Taemin is slutty and how Key is just so perfect and...

OFF TOPIC.

Main point is, I used to be a dancer. When I was younger, I wanted to be a model, but I started taking dance lessons and I went like "This is what I'm gonna be when I grow up." Of course, I didn't stick to it. It's too hard. I remember my teacher forcing us to do splits on our second lesson and a showcase for the parents on our 5th lesson. I think the teacher determines my liking for a particular thing. Like I hated it when I was learning chinese dance, but when I started doing la hip hip (yadayada gstyle yadayadayadayada IT'S JUST DANCE ALRIGHT) I thought my teacher was so cool and stuff and yeah. But I never put in an effort to do things, so I don't practice even though I keep telling myself that "You are the one who said that you wanted to be a dancer, so why the hell aren't you keeping to your words?"

Of course, the fact that my dad went "Art has no place in the society" probably did it for me. I stopped practicing, I started skipping lessons, and I just stopped going. Maybe it was JM and his stupid girlfriend who can't dance for shit, or maybe I just gave up on it.

And than I saw this bboy in Early 2006. He was short, he was pretty, he was 22 but he looked like he was 18. He rapped and he breaked and I completely fell in love with that genre. My dad said I'd die doing something like that, but I still watched his videos every night and try to mimic his moves - and failed, duh. I can't do freezes for my life because my arms just won't cooperate. Don't tell me I'm doing it wrong because I can do the footworks - it's the arms thing.

So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I poured my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen, so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'

I don't know. It doesn't describe my situation at all but I just want to say that this hits home. Somehow. Somewhat. What am I trying to say oh my gosh I have no idea.

“I was unique because I liked kpop and I listened to them and I can do their dances and stuff. Now I’m just another ‘fucking crazy fan who follows the trend and hopped on the bandwagon when everyone else labelled kpop as the in thing now’. What do I have to do when everybody else already labelled me as ‘just another fan’. It really pisses me off so fucking much because I spent four fucking years in this shit and others can just jump in when they have no knowledge of the kPOP. They know the kAUTOTUNE. Hell yeah, they know all the kpop stars. They know no shit about The Grace and their talents but only know SNSD for their catchy songs. They only know the Wonder Girls for their Nobody craze and everyone criticises them and say they can’t sing because they’ve never even heard of them sing before. You say Sunye can’t sing for her life? Go dunk your head in the toilet. Sohee can’t sing that well, but she can dance. DON’T COMPARE HER TO HYUNAH. They have totally different styles. 2NE1 brought adidas (or, jscott) to Korea? Look at pictures of Sohee before 2NE1 even debuted. She rocked those Wing shoes eons ago when no one even bothered to look at them. Some of you don’t even know DBSK for goodness sake. You know none of their songs but you know that ‘oh, they used to be popular but they fucked up so they disbanded’. Do you know how many, say, tens of thousands of fans (that were, BEFORE YOU) felt so relieved when they surpassed the four year curse?” —— Christina / C

Reading this made me just think about how kpop got into my life and how much it has affected me.

“Kpop” has been around in my life since I was born - literally. But you know, only being so into it and obsessed with it started back in like 2007 when the Wonder Girls debuted.

I remembered watching Big Band debut because someone showed me, and I was like “Who are they and why do they think they’re so cool?” Little did I know, I would just completely fall in love with them because they were cool. I couldn’t stand it when Tell Me came out and everyone around me was bashing on Sohee for the “lack of vocals” and that she was “only a pretty face” in the group. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Sohee’s vocals had only gotten worse because of the fact JYP made her sing in a range where she was not at all capable of maintaining such high notes. And you have the guts to go out there and tell me (no pun intended) that she can’t sing? Please. She will always be prettier, sing way better, and dance much better than what you’re capable of.

I remember watching Xman (oh the good old days), and seeing these singers come out. I remember seeing DBSK members for the first time in my life - during their Rising Sun promotions - on Xman and saying “I like them.” I remember falling for Stephanie of CSJH the Grace’s dancing and how I hurt myself trying to stand on my tip-toes like she did. I remember being in love with Tablo of Epik High because of Nonstop 5 and his rapping. I remember being smitten with Brian Joo of Fly to the Sky because of Xman and Love Letter and his songs. And these stupid “kpop know-it-alls” as they claim to be think they have the balls to come and tell me that I know nothing of kpop? Really? Is that what you think?

Yeah, I jumped on the SHINee bandwagon when Ring Ding Dong came out (I had my doubts during Juliette cause it was still very Noona You’re So Pretty / Amigo to me, which, back then, I did not like, but now do). But really? You’re telling me I’m not a true fan because I wasn’t there since their debut? I bet you haven’t been with SNSD since their debut. I bet you haven’t been with KARA since their debut. I bet you hated 2PM when they debuted. So do you have that right to blatantly tell that to my face? No. You don’t.

I hate how people say “OMG THEY SING SO WELL” when all it is is the autotune and shit they do to the voices. Someone told me Nine Muses were way better live than they thought, and I gave them the “are you fucking kidding me” face.

Honestly speaking, having all these people know and love kpop is great because they finally understand why I love it so much. But I hate it at the same time because they think they’re so so so cool now. No you’re not cool for knowing all the lyrics and learning the dance moves (hypocrite that I am).

Stop telling me someone can’t sing when you obviously have not heard them sing in what they’re best in. You think Sunmi sings well because she’s best in the pop genre. Her voice was basically made for that area. You think Park Bom sings well when she’s singing r&b because her voice was made for it. You think Sohee sings horrible because her range is more in the alto range, but JYP makes her sing in octaves higher than she’s capable of.

And you new fans, you’re really lucky. You didn’t have to go through Jay leaving, you didn’t have to go through DBSK disbanding into JYJ and Yunho/Changmin, you didn’t have to go through Sunmi leaving, you didn’t have to go through Hankyung/Hangeng leaving Suju, you didn’t have to go through all of this shit. You’re really lucky. - J's tumblr

Just saying. Not intending to offend anyone.
Hell yeah.

A Hundred

2010-10-07T04:16:00.001-07:00

I'm going all gay shit these few days for no apparent reason. I just...feel like doing all those shitty stuff that I'm doing now because I feel like I've got nothing to lose anymore. I'm trying to work hard, but all those things that I used to call motivation are just sliding down the drain one by one and I can do nothing at all to try and save or retrieve them. Yeah. Emo shit.

I'm copying down all of Jay's lyrics right now for no reason. I was walking down the stairs to my kitchen just now and I just started rapping his rap for best i ever had. The words flowed so smooth and I didn't stumble over one single word. I amaze myself sometimes - maybe I should take up rapping instead of the gay shit thing I call dance. (No, not saying the term dance is gay, ME dancing is gay.)

Off topic. I don't even want to blog anymore. I can't fangirl anymore.

Everyone stole every fucking thing in my world of kpop and COMPANY.

It's not just the whole 'kpop' shit anymore (SHIT WHY AM I SAYING SHIT SO OFTEN SHIT SHIT SHIT). It's bboys and music and everything in general. If I like this pair of shoes (eg. adidas triple tongue) and it's so outrageous that no one in their right state of mind will buy it and wear it, but they'd go like "OHMYGGGGAAAWWWWDDD. THAT IS SO ME. THAT'S LIKE, SO MY BRAND". Excuse me, barfing into a toilet bowl. That comes from someone who never, ever, NEVER even set eyes of hip hop clothes before. I know because I KNOW that person. And why? Just because of some fucking star, you decided to renovate yourself and be something you're not? Alright. It pisses me off because everyone always thought that I was weird for liking such eccentric stuff and not be all girly and wedges and skirts and stuff. But guess what. I am me, so why should I wear skirts and all that jazz just to try and fit in? I won't be me anymore if I was doing those stuff, will I? That's just the clothes. Than it's Kpop. I used to like DBSK, but they're gone. Han Geng was my (motivation?) because he's Chinese as well and he's a dancer and he's not the best singer and he's not the best looking person. But now he's gone as well and suddenly so many people like him and those were the ones who were laughing at him being from China and shit. Than it was 2PM. Jay. Jay Park. Park Jaebeom. Pink grandpa. Leadja. What happened. I was so, so, so attached to him. So attached till the point where I don't even know myself anymore and sudden he's just GONE. Like the moment the plane flew over to SeaTac, this part of me left and followed him. And than the time paused (not stop. Time stops for no one, remembebr?) and I keep comparing the Jay now to the Jay than. It's like I can't accept the fact - no, it's that I'm not willing to accept the fact0 that he changed and I'll never get the Park Jaebeom that I fell in love with back. So I'm choosing to just live in the memories and shit and just jeep on bearing it and like him because that's how I used to be. But it just won't be the same no more. SHINee? When I started liking them, people complained how they were trying to be the 2nd DBSK but with Big Bang's clothes. I watched them debut. I watched them with the super LQ video youtube had because HD wasn't even known yet. I watched them inYunhanam and thought that they were the best looking boys in the universe although when I look at it again, Taemin really didn't look all that nice and Minho didn't have the charisma he had now. But once you go pass the outer appearance, you'd realise that they are still them. But I fell for them when all of them were still underage and singing to the older ladies how they're so pretty. I was one of their youngest fans than because I could refer to Taemin as 'oppa'. And I loved Key, really. Alright, I choose to use the word love because I don't know what else I can use to describe those happy bubbles I feel at the pit of my stomach every time I watched they videos. They started changing during Ring Ding Dong. Or should I say that I changed? I moved on? I moved on to Jay because I thought that "THIS IS IT. THIS IS MY FOREVER" when I had no idea what forever really mean. I strayed from being a SHINee World and moved on to be a Hottest. But I never was a Jaywalker. I was just Jay's fan. Back to SHINee. My birthday in 2009 was with graphics made by all those people who aren't around anymore and it had Key and Bling and (sometimes) Geng on it. Those were one of the happiest months of my life. They changed. They aren't the little boys I fell for. Taemin became so mature and so good at singing that he almost never makes mistakes anymore. Jonghyun changed his style so much and Onew just looks older than he is. Minho became manly. Key became the Divakey. I don't like it. I want those little boys I fell for back. Yadayadayada Christina is a bitch that can't accept changes yadayadayada. It's my own business SO WHY THE FUCK are you trying to tell me who to be? Those who didn't care much about bboys started going "DAMN THAT'S CHILL. YOU SO FLY MAN" after they knew Jay (after he left -eyeroll-) People started going "JJONG IS SO FUCKING HOT OHMYGGGGAAAWWWDDDASKJGSDIOI" after their Ring Ding Dong times. You've never even experienced what it's like to like a person even deeper than their outer appearance. Geng? Oh, so now he's all cool and he's not labelled as the 'china man' anymore? The old china guy? Fuck you're racist. Key? Fine. The world loves the Key that knows all the dances to all the girl group songs. So what? You like him for that? OF COURSE YOU CAN I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU CAN'T. I just want to say that I've liked him when he was just the plain old 'almighty key' that can do everything but isn't recognised because everyone already had a job in the group and he's too multi-talented. I liked him before he was the 'deebah'. Before those times, I was a fan of SHINee. I was unique because I liked kpop and I listened to them and I can do their dances and stuff. Now I'm just another 'fucking crazy fan who follows the trend and hopped on the bandwagon when everyone else labelled kpop as the in thing now'. What do I have to do when everybody else already labelled me as 'just another fan'. It really pisses me off so fucking much because I spent four fucking years in this shit and others can just jump in when they have no knowledge of the kPOP. They know the kAUTOTUNE. Hell yeah, they know all the kpop stars. They know no shit about The Grace and their talents but only know SNSD for their catchy songs. They only know the Wonder Girls for their Nobody craze and everyone criticises them and say they can't sing because they've never even heard of them sing before. You say Sunye can't sing for her life? Go dunk your head in the toilet. Sohee can't sing that well, but she can dance. DON'T COMPARE HER TO HYUNAH. They have totally different styles. 2NE1 brought adidas (or, jscott) to Korea? Look at pictures of Sohee before 2NE1 even debuted. She rocked those Wing shoes eons ago when no one even bothered to look at them. Some of you don't even know DBSK for goodness sake. You know none of their songs but you know that 'oh, they used to be popular but they fucked up so they disbanded'. Do you know how many, say, tens of thousands of fans (that were, BEFORE YOU) felt so relieved when they surpassed the four year curse?

That's it. My 100th post and I'm fucking myself up because I'm just so fucking pissed.

Yeah. I'm just another fan. Yeah. I can't get over Jay. Yeah. Han Geng is old. Yeah. Key's so cool doing all the girl group dances. Yeah. 2NE1 made you so gangster. Yeah. Bboys are the cool shit now. Yeah. DBSK is gay. Yeah. You started liking SHINee so long ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

2010-10-01T04:24:00.001-07:00

Yes, I have problems, but I DON'T THROW THEM AT OTHER PEOPLE because I know that I should be the ones solving them.

There are way more important, sad and drastic things that are happening to the world.

The world doesn't revolve around you. It doesn't revolve around me. It doesn't revolve around Jay or Key or whatever shit and whoever's out there (though I used to believe that it did).

The world doesn't revolve around any of us.

Back when I was in Primary four, someone said to me that "My mom doesn't like you because you're too skinny, so she said I can't speak to you. But I'll be your friend anyway :D"

Most people would just accept it, but I can't. My fucking insecurities, all those effed up shit.

September 2009 almost killed me. And I mean it. I didn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't keep those tiny amount of food in my stomach and I had to puke them all out. Because things that doesn't even concern me bothers me so much. People that doesn't even know me, and might never even know me, almost killed me.

Like what J said, she met me during my most meh times. How do you think I wrote stuff such as Stavolta and Ephemeral? I can't write about things I haven't been through yet, and that's why all those stories featuring Key seems so superficial and just not quality enough. I died, I lived, I'm still living, and I want you to know that nothing should ever bring you down. How many people have left me in my 15 years of life? This isn't even about kpop anymore. It's about my life. It's not about how screwed my my favourite group ever disbanded, how the best dancer I've ever seen (and want to be) left his group, how Jay totally pulled off the mask he'd been wearing for so long (or just threw one on). It's about how JM followed me from there all the way here and left for his motherland without a word and didn't contact me for over a year before a measly tag on my cbox showing that he's somewhere in the East Coast. It's my life, I control it the way I want it to. You're not really helping by being like that.

Okay. Fuck it.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache."

Stay fresh.

And oh, what's with the whole world trying to break all of a sudden?

Heart Station

2010-10-01T03:55:00.000-07:00

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?" - Ernest Hemingway

Life's a bitch, that's why it's so hard.

The world is changing in a way that I really dislike. I feel so bad and shitty because I'm cursing like hell every single day, but that's how it feels for me.

I can't even write anymore because no words seem to be able to describe how I'm feeling. I have a lot of 'Why's in my life, including things of nature that I cannot change. Like why my blood type is AB, why I look heavier than I really am and why can't I get shit into my head when I can get others well enough. I don't even drill stuff.

Sometimes I wish I could just sleep life away. I remember seeing a quote somewhere on the internet about how Life's just one scene of the play where you're just one of the characters. It questions the person and says that death is just like changing a costume and coming back as a whole new character. And I did think of that before.

I don't quote phrases or quotes because they're popular - if I did I'd be quoting "Can we pretend --" millions of times on and off until whoever that reads this will feel like aiming a hammer at my head. I quote them because they're how I feel. Everyone has a story, even puny people that don't really make a lotta difference whether they are there or not. Like me.

I don't even stand a chance, do I?

I want to find the right track, and stay on it. I tend to stray too far from my aim. I wanted to become a professional dancer last time, but after my teacher went back to Taiwan (or was it HongKong) I just couldn't do it anymore. I skipped lessons and I stopped practicing. That's how I am. I need a motivation (SHINee was my motivation last, last year. It wasn't last year. That's how I got my A2 and B3 for History and Geography when I failed both.)

Heck, I even remember trying to do BoA's 'Key of Heart' dance eons ago.

Sometimes, I tear for no reason. Like today, I completely teared up in school, that's a first for me. I just thought that even the most important thing to me doesn't even seem that important anymore because it has became the 'most important' thing for half of the world. I know, I know. I should never let what people say bring me down (and whatever shit people always drone on and on about and stuff), but I am a person that really cares about what others have to say for me. I CAN'T just forget about what happened. It just lingers in my mind and pops up at the moment when I'm the most vulnerable.

Truthfully, I used to believe in 11:11. Rephrase, 23:11. I used to pick up my phone and smile when I realise that the clock was showing me that time. I used to wish for your happiness because I really thought that 'This is it. This is my forever.' It used to be my little secret, really. But than suddenly the whole world knew you as well. You became the 'forever' of so many people that I just can't be bothered to hold on anymore. I still am though, because I'd feel like I let myself down for not holding on. When I promised.

I realise that I have to manually post the pictures I've queued because tumblr's queue screwed up. Again.

Sometimes I wish I could just be a evil witch and drag people down with me. Most of the time I just give up in the face of an argument not because I can't, but because I'm just too (often) beat up to bother having a debate over something minor.

"Itsuka, niji no shita de aou"

I'm not even sure if that's the correct phrasing anymore. I remember that song, telling me how the storm will pass and how a rainbow will appear before me one day. Who sang it for me? Jay? Yeah. Yeah you did.

I'm the kind who remembers a lot of things - things so random that I may never be able to apply again in my everyday life, let alone my studies. I'm always the keeper of memories that never matters to anyone else except for me. Because when you forever, I remember.

"I listen to the whistle of your heart."

The more I wish for your happiness, the sadder I become.

Or something like that.

As quoted from Hiki's songs.

Half

2010-09-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

Is there anything remotely similar about Jay and Key?

I just saw a picture of Key on baidu, and the first thing that came to mind was that Jay had dyed his hair red and grew a long fringe.

CRAP.MY.LIFE.

Reminiscing on how much I used to adore Key.

Regretting on how much I let Jay screw over my life.

Not forgetting to forget him.

Nah, I'm fine.

I stare at people's shoes too much. Shoes, jackets, bags, hair, and occasionally stussy shirts.

Of course, I'd steal dr. dre's headphones.

Even Loved the Pain

2010-09-24T18:59:00.001-07:00

I've been listening to oldies these few days, and covers of oldies from people like JunJin and Junsu. And chewing the pearls from KOI (but that's not the main point). Main thing is, when I listen to those songs, I really miss how the songs used to just be music and vocals, no autotuning. When did autotuning come in? Bravebros, I'm so gonna blame you. 2009? Again and Again had VERY MINIMAL autotuning, but I hate you was just wtf-worthy.

And of course, I was crazy for you and tired of waiting.

Just so you could still keep his voice and not think that the rest of the world will know it's him?

To be truthful, I don't think I can go back to liking Key the way I used to adore him when he first debuted. I realise I start to fall for people when they do the most random things. Han Geng was when he sang the line in U which sounded strangely like "把我爱给您". Key during his debut interview with Newsen(?) (I'll dig that video out from the comp again just to watch it) where he raised his necklace and mouthed 'Key! Key!' when he spotted a camera. Jay was when he did bboyed at the end of Episode 17 and the rest of AS and 2PM left.

I was sorting through my 40+ DBSK albums the other day, and I realised that I never really had a bias in DBSK. I mean, I guess in my heart they were just 'one'. It's ironic how I only realised that now when even the 'one' in AVEX is gone. Speaking of avex, fuck you.

I guess the reason that I can't go back to liking Key so much is because I KNOW something bad will happen to the group. Intuition? I'm not sure. But take a close look, no just a look will be fine, they left one by one. Or should I say, the person I liked in each group left one by one. DBSK as a whole disbanded (Like WTF. Legend), Geng left, Jay left. I hope that SJ really files for that lawsuit. When SJ leaves, SM dies. I swear. 2004 - DBSK. 2005 - SJ&the grace. 2006 - ZLY. I'm sad that liyin didn't leave, actually, because she'd be so much better off somewhere else. With that talent? Hell yeah. But she lost her chance - if she wanted to leave she should have just followed Geng and left. Where's her support now? SNSD won't, because they just started their promotion in Japan, and SHINee will never do that because I bet they're gonna get threatened with whatever shit SM can come up with.

I found my SM town 2007 Winter Album yesterday. On the cover it said '40 SMTown artists'. With DBSK and TRAX And ISAK and HEEBON and AYOOMI AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL OF THESE EXTREMELY TALENTED PEOPLE. Ayumi shaved her head and went to Japan but no one even knows her now. Heebon? I was talking to Cin yesterday night, and we were like 'the last time we saw her was in Dangerous Love O-O'. Isak, fine, she's still hosting her Pops In Seoul, but isn't Alex, Eli and Kevin taking over like, 2 days of her one week show? She's got pipes, that Isak. And she's exotic. Isn't SM so keen on exotic people? Bring her back. And what's with Amber? She injured her ankle and it's been 2 months and she completely disappeared off the face of Earth? What's with this. DBSK was injured, Yunho even had to be carried onto the plane because he was so sick, and SM didn't even care. Geng broke his bone and it healed before it was even noticed.

Conspiracy?

Speaking of which, where's Stephanie from the grace in SM TOWN LIVE 10? I swear she's the best dancer ever. (I do admit that I tried Hanbeondo too, but failed miserably).

I don't even know what to write anymore.

Those who's always been by the sides of their idols, stay there tight, aye? Liking them doesn't mean only fangirling over them (and getting their names wrong what kinda fucking bandwagon hopper fans are you), but knowing how to criticise them as well.

I remember I loved Key, like, really loved. If that's even possible.

You acting like a fangirl again makes me feel weird and happy at the same time. Weird because I'm now so used to you being all -_- over kpop since 09. Happy because you're happy (LOL CORNY MUCH?)
-What J said

Speaking of which, I'm gonna send J's letter off on Monday because I almost lost the notebook I scribbled it in ._____________________________.

Stay fresh & ballin`
Peace & Out
B.

2010-09-15T05:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes dreams are so much better than reality, at least in dreams if something bad happens, you know you'll wake up and realise it was all a dream. And with reality, there's no waking up; there's just getting hurt, getting back up, moving forward and starting anew. See, this is why most people tend to dream than face reality.

Quoted from Gee's story for Soomi and Jay.

Taecyeon's a bitch, really.

this one's for cin

2010-09-14T03:52:00.000-07:00

"We've been together for how many years?"

"Eleven?"

"That's a long time."

"Yes. It is."

She's lucky to have a friend like cin.

Sweet sixteen girl.

4 years of Jaejoong.

4 years of changmin, 3 years of hangeng, 2 years of key and a year of jay.

Let's aim for a golden anni.

A Whisper Through the Night

2010-09-13T00:59:00.001-07:00

You know I miss you like crazy.

So this if what life is like after you.

It's easier than I thought, actually. I mean, I do still think of you, especially when a special day or two skips over. September 26, September 8, those sorta dates. I get slightly...out of it?

Oh, right.

8 September 2010.

Exactly a year since you left. Of course, no one knows what day it means. No one cares, really. Who cares if it's the three-hundred-and-sixty-fifth day some stupid guy left? I thought my best friends would remember, but I guess not. I mean, exactly a year ago, I almost died. I mean it. Mentally, physically, I was exhausted and completely out of it. Especially that night. I thought of how he's all alone looking out of the window and bam - the tears just came. I guess it can't be that bad, because it's during the holidays. 4 days after their first anniversary.

Of course!

Such things happen all the time!

Bullshit.

I'm watching the making of Lucifer right now to clear my mind of you. Seriously.

Jie Hui went like "The first year anni of you and him ah" - or something along that line.

More than a year, really. A year and half? March 2009 - September 2010. Yes, exactly a year and half.

Because every time you go away, the sunshine starts to fade. Bullshit.

Missing You

2010-09-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

I was reading Joanne's blog just now, and I think I zoned out at the huge block of words after her quote from Spiderman.

I suddenly forgot what I wanted to say.

Ah yes, J and I were finally online at the same time. She showed me this video of Bae Dahae? I swear, he voice is like, Xiah, except stronger. I didn't expect the high notes. Nella Fantasia? I'm suddenly reminded of the music lessons back in Sec 1. And during the commercial break(?) or something, this guy with a horrible voice sang a verse of a song that sounded so familiar. It took me a few seconds to place it, but I realised that it was my fav song by FTTS.

"Everyday everynight I am missing you."

In my heart, you'll always be the same.

It made me think. Perhaps it's because it's the holidays, or maybe it's because it's a day away from the 365th day Jay died (figuratively), but I seem to think too much these few days. What will happen? What might happen? Who will be involved?

I don't remember the year, I remember the month. You stuck by me through, what, since Boston? You were the first real bboy I know. You were something that I could see without the need of the world wide web. And you left. February. I hated you for leaving, because I believed that you'd always be here. How old are you now? 19? Great. It's been almost 2 years, I think, and I haven't heard from you in over a year and half. I hate you for it, I really do, and yet at the same time I really miss you.

Sometimes, I miss things I never owned in the first place. They were never mine, and yet I'd foolishly think that for a second they were mine.

Candle lights.

하루하루

2010-09-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, Old song by Big Bang. I brought the laptop over to my room yesterday, and I somehow found the video of "Day by Day, Part II" in my hard disk. So I opened it. I realised that I downloaded it from coolsmurf's channel when he was still active on youtube. If it weren't for the bans by KBS and stuff, he'd still be there subbing videos. Hence, youtube is already screwed up.

And I dug out all the incomplete stories I wrote. I clicked on one, and I knew that it was about Jay. it didn't mention any names, neither did it mention time or place. It was written on the 25th of March this year.

You just seemed so fragile with the colors slowly draining away from your features. I watched, petrified, as you moved your hand up and coughed into it. You lifted your hand away and there it was – crimson blood that seemed to shine in the company of the setting sun.

I had to ask myself if I actually wrote this. Where did I come up with the plot? Why did I name it Day by Day? Myunghee's shattering the sun? Just another boy? What?

And I sat there in front of a stupid laptop, pausing at each line in the music video and copying them down. For some reason, I suddenly thought about Daul Kim. She's my fac model by far, and I remember reading her blog. Oh, right. GD's one of her closer friends. I can't believe such a ... talent(?)

WAIT OHEMEFFGEE I JUST RECEIVED J's LETTER. I swear, this girl deserves a tight slap on the face because she has one of the best handwritings I've ever seen, and she still claim that her Korean writing is butt ugly. -eyeroll- I wonder if the mail went haywire or something, because I sent Jaem's letter eons ago. And it seems like she still haven't received it yet.

Wait, off topic.

I can't belive Daul died. I can't believe such a beautiful woman died. She modeled in Chanel for goodnesssake! I'd like to be as thin as her one day. She was only 20. I can't believe it. I remember I first stumbled upon her because of some criticisms from netizens? Someone mentioned Daul in a comment and I became intrigued by this model. So what if she appeared topless? Dude. It's fashion. There's a difference between porn and art, just so you know.

I think I'm totally off track here. I suddenly forgot my main aim of this blog entry.

Oh god. I'm off to crack my brain. I need sour stuff, anyone?

I changed so much

2010-09-04T00:11:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I have to tell SongSarang that I really won't be who I am right now if it wasn't for her encouragements throughout all these while. I don't know when she started reading this blog, or my stories, but her comments always left me speechless. I've always felt guilty for not writing (in a year OMG) because of how she's such a great reader and stuff. And oh, I'm sorry if the newest fic won't be up to my usual standards. I'm trying to write again, I really am.

I feel like dressing up like After School for Halloween -__________- (random comment OMG) but I so don't have the legs for it. AHHHHHHH. I did Kara's Mister last year. Who should I go as this year?

Park Jay.
the man in your stories...
Love.
the word that never fail to make people laugh...smile... and even cry.
BoBoLious.
the girl that always make me feel like wanna to know her so much.
the girl that never fail making me crying when ever i read her stories.
the girl that in my eyes, have something special that i can't explain and see inside her.
the girl that always make me feel, life wasn't just about breathing.
the girl that make me stay up in 4 am in the morning to read every single of her stories.
the girl that always have something meaningful to say in every single words she writes.
the girl that officially listed in my top writers list.
i read her stories, silently...and just show up once, with just one short comment.
from End of A Dream, i stat to follow her flow...
she passed by so many awesome stories...
meaningful stories...
what a great writer...
my wish...
i wish the girl behind the name BoBoLi0us keep on writing cause she really good in it.
i wish the girl behind the name BoBoLi0us will fly, and reach her dream...one day...
keep on updating and posting new stories...i'll follow your flow silently...
-Song Sarang 22 November 2009 at 2:03 p.m.

This was her comment on my final (?) story that I'm proud of. Hey there, I really hope you'll read this, you are awesome. Stop putting yourself down. I realise that I rarely interact with my readers, besides J, so yeah.

Sometimes I keep thinking that I am the person who decided to screw myself up, not Jay. Stupid git.

You know what? I have another blog. It's not stories, it's just how I'm feeling and such. It's not long and elaborated, unlike this one. There are pictures there, everything.

I wish I could slim down. Should I go running? I don't want muscles on my shins. AHHHHH. Stupid gits.

Back in 150510, 'mango loving-random laughing-bboy-weirdo' was what I loved about him. Of course, he's no longer here. I know I blogged about this before. I just know.

I suddenly realised that it won't matter if I sat near the guy I like or not, because all this while I've been seeing him as Jay. It's unfair to him, even if he doesn't even know it. And now since I'm over him, J won't matter that much to me anymore. I still adore bboys. I've always liked bboys, since 2006, but Jay just made me research more about them. I mean, just look at the most played songs on my Corby. BoA's Eat You Up takes the throne, but other than that, 1/2 of the other 4 songs are in relation to break dancing or bboys (girls.) Oh wow. Number 5 is Look Who's Talking. The main reason BoA's songs top my list is because of the awesome moves she has the both of the songs.

I'm disappointed at Hurricane Venus. I wished she had something as strong as GOT for her comeback. Even the dance is slightly disappointing, or maybe I'm just too biased for the strong BoA.

I don't even know what I'm saying.

I just typed up something that I've written a year ago. This one's for bling, but it's so stupid because I can't even sign into my own account. Fuckery.

peace.

A not so long(?) update

2010-09-02T23:40:00.000-07:00

I'll post the whole 'i love kenny teh the retard' thing some other day (if I actually remember lah).

Written on 16th August 2010.

These days, I don't know how to feel. Most of the time I don't even known how to translate this awful feeling I'm feeling down to words. Chocolate makes me feel fat, no matter if it's customized or not. I'm rewatching all of SHINee's videos. Well, watching and downloading.

Yingying asked me if I Key yesterday, and I'm like "Yeah, why?" (She than proceeded to whisper some gibberish which I can't understand. I heard the word 'cute' though. -____-) Yes. I do like Key. I fell for Key in the first place because most people didn't even notice him.

But he's so talented!!!! - Everyone claims NOW that SHINee's FAMOUS. Fuck you bitches who hop on the bandwagon for the sake of it.

When they debuted, everyone had a role. Taemin's the magnae and the lead dancer. Bling's the main vocalist. Onew's the leader and Minho's the rapper. So where does that put the multi-talented Key? No where. Seriously. That's why he's the 'Almighty' Key. Because he can do almost anything. And because of that, he's not noticed all that much.

Well, I noticed him. Funny how I always seem to have a liking for the least popular members (before they became popular). 3rd June 2008. That was when I fell hard for Key.

And of course, I always had a soft spot for guys who could speak English. His full english rap in the first album just got me going like...man.

I feel screwed up and confused, and I'm scared that when I look back in the future, I won't feel anything besides my foolishness and my naivety. What will I have to look back on?

Mainly, I just don't want to look back and feel nothing.

I've started to rewatch all of SHINee's videos again. I guess I just want to act like there's nothing wrong, nothing's changed and I can just pick things up where I've left off before I got into 2PM. Hey, to think of it, I got into 2PM because I was watching SHINee guest star on their show. Oh eff.

Boom balam.

Oh crap I just ate a whole car of chocolate. My throat T_T

The thing is, SHINee looks like they changed. Not just in style, but (for some reason) their faces as well. I don't know what I'm trying to imply here, but close ups just seem so different, especially Bling and Taemin. (Got over the fact that Minho changed long ago). What happened. 2 years, and everything became screwed up?

I guess liking 2PM sort of killed me. Fangirling should be a happy thing to many, but for me down in my lane, fandom didn't go that way. DBSK? Super Junior? SHINee? 2PM? Only SHINee's left intact as a whole, but they changed. I feel it. I just hope they'll never go solo, even if they're still together.

There are people from w who knew me since my SHINee Key + Bling days, others only started noticing my writing since my emo-Jay days. I do admit that the fact that Jay left probably allowed me to write one of my best fics, but is that a good thing? Even? Anyway, I've decided I'll write again. For those who've been supporting me through all these. About who? Key? Bling? MBLAQ? I don't know. I just know it won't be Jay.

I swear, I am over Jay. It's just that when I see his album or picture or whatever crap, I'll remember the fact that I used to like (love?) him so much I could have died. That's why I tend to linger there. But than I'll realise how much he changed (how much everyone changed), and I'll get slightly disgusted at myself.

For those who go "Fuck lah bitch. You call yourself a true fan is it? True fans stick by their idols side no matter what happens to them." People like this shouldn't have the right to talk shit about people especially when they have no idea what he/she have been through in order to come up with the conclusion. You don't know a single shit of what I've been through, so who are you to judge me? You were there to witness me breaking down on the 8th of September 2009. You weren't there to see me burst into tears at Orchard Road when I told my mom about what happened. I didn't even go into detail with her. I just went, "This...Korean-American got kicked back to Seattle..." and my tears just came. You weren't there to hear me cry myself to sleep for 3 weeks straight. You weren't there to witness whatever I've been through. You weren't there to watch me type out my stories that had been painstakingly written down word by word. Stavolta, Ephemeral, First Snow, A Decade, This song, Momentum and everything else. You weren't there to read the dozens of blog entries I've written in order to defend him. And to defend myself, to a certain extent.

You weren't there to see the headstrong me, defeated.

You have no idea what I've gone through during that period of time. My health deteriorated so much I couldn't even walk during the weekends. I got sick so easily. I cried so easily. I didn't walk through those times, I fucking crawled. I've got bruises on my knees and arms and I've skinned my knees. Holes can even be found on my jeans. That's how worn I was. I practically had the word 'defeat' tattooed across my forehead in size 72 Blue Highway font. Bold and Black. I'm so thankful for those who told me to stay strong, wrote me stories (Confessions of a Broken Heart, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Ghost Love etc). You guys mean the world to me.

The murdered to haunt their murderers - Emily Bronte.

I know I won't forget them. It'll be too hard to wipe them away from my memories so I won't even try. I will move on with my life. He'll still be in my mind, and I won't even try to forget him because I know I can't. So why bother getting hurt in the process? My heart will still cling to the part of Jay that it fell for over a year ago. It will continue to stay there until the last drop of the Jay it recognizes disappears.

I know I'll get burnt in the end, again and again. But everyone gets burnt as least once in their life, so whatever. I just wonder when the end is. I've tried to conjure it up in my mind so many, so many times but I've never seen it. I wonder if it'll be like driving 120mph on the highway and I'll pass it by like it's some worthless side road, or will it loom before me like a trip to Disney Land - 50 more miles to the happiest place in the world. 40 more miles to the happiest place in the world! (Oh gawd, where are my comparisons coming from.)

I'm not sure which one I want it to be.

It doesn't make sense to let go of something you had for so long, but it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing there.

That's it. I've had enough.

Still I have Romantic In My Heart

2010-08-22T04:26:00.000-07:00

My thumb hurts. I promised a shitass long entry. Should I start it now?

Completely Zibei.

PROMISED ENTRY OMGG

EDIT : 250810
My mom just said she'll go to Han Geng's concert at the esplanade with me on the 3rd of October. I wish we won't get the 4th floor seats. I hope that the VIP boxes aren't filled yet.

Written on 140810 23.23

Attempt Part II.

Had this conversation with Cin just now.. I told her that I can't start liking SHINee again because it'll seem like I just joined in the hype of kpop for the sake of feeling 'in' and with the trend like any other morons out there. She just turned and stared at me. "But you've always liked them." She told me with the whole 'you are shitting yourself again' expression. So I did - and I don't think that I ever stopped liking them, just less than before after the start of 2009. I guess I just threw my whole heart out for Jay thinking that it's made of graphite of diamond or something that's equally hard and unbreakable. And because I thought that it won't be a risk, because I thought it'd be forever and some similar shit.

For almost 2 years I held on. For how long was I actually happy to be holding on? Half a year? Maybe even lesser than that. And from September onwards my heart starts getting totally screwed up and battered and tattered and just gruesome. For what did I risk my heart, my health, my time and my grades for? What did I get in return besides completely fucked up end of year marks? I keep telling myself to continue to hold on because I've already been holding on to this for so long, that it can't possibly hurt further anymore. I tried to let go (Is it successful? I'm not positive on that), and I think I am, slowly. But it's the whole '我不甘心' thing. I feel that if I just let go like this without an entirely defined ending, it'll feel like it's not completely over. Like I'm hanging by a thread by my wrist while the rest of be is below the horizon, but when I try to reach up to break the thread (and face the consequences), I can't seem to be able to reach that far. And of course, the haunting fact that I'm unaware of what will be awaiting me if I actually cut it. Does this mean that I'll have to wait for the thread to grow old and worn and let it rot by itself? (And then it'll automatically snap and then I'll fall?)

I don't like to wait for things. 기다리다 지친다. Of fuck I just used that phrase.

Jay's like, my routine. Thinking about him, doodling his name, rambling on and on about him to people who won't understand my obsession are like these stupid habits that you don't even realise you have until you look back on it and reflect. They're already a part of me - and a part of my life, and it'll feel like something's missing from the picture if they just disappeared. Like those empty holes that fill your heart but you ain't sure of where they came from.

If the thread breaks, that means I'll be letting go and he'll disappear from my life. Will I disappear as well? Because 추락하는 것에는날개가 없다. (Credit HB) They never have wings, that's why so many things fall and crash and die.

Oh gawd I'm so fucking morbid.

I may still think of you, and I may forget to forget about you, and a part of me will always be with you because you molded whom I am right now. But I'm gonna try and just stop being so obsessed over you. I'll crush on a real person instead, someone that can't (and won't) let me down as much as you do. I have gone back to Key now (and back to having my long-forgotten affair with bling), so I suppose I'm happy. (Aside for the mind boggling fact that he shaved his head as well) I will let go.

I suddenly wish I had a boyfriend. Or a really good guy friend (who's gay) that understands that I talk shit but still never get offended. I'm a masochist.

Is all these because I expect too much? From you? I guess I expected more, and better, from you. They say expectation is the root of all heartache. I guess that explains the funny itchy feeling I get in my chest every time I feel like crying.

The thing is, if I do love - or suppose, like, a lot - is that it's sort of infinite. I will always remember the person I like, even if I'm already over him. A part of me will always register things that happened before. Like the empty parking lot opposite my school where I have my physical ed during winter. Like the demolishing scene where my pre-school got knocked down. The chicks hatching, the blond boy with the ruby earring (whose name starts with 'J' by the way), the trips in my dad's warm car to the hospital in town. Like the doctor giving me 6 stickers instead of the usual 2 she gives other kids. The McDonald's found at a corner in China Town. The knee-high velvet boots I hid under my jeans because I was too afraid to flaunt them, my empty backpack (which is always empty). The rubber dinosaur I got from summer school because I attended a full week with perfect attendance - I chewed it up btw. The carpetted floor, the plastic bracelets, the barbie doll dresses, all these. And more. 3 measy years I stayed in Boston, and these are just a chip off an iceberg. I can continue on, but it won't have a beginning, nor an ending. This proves that I don't remember the days, or the year, but I remember the moments and the things and the feelings. The Asian guy who sat beside me, the cute korean-american boy, J's green eyes, skinning my knees as I crashed on the middle of the road the first time I rode a bike. I can still go on and on, but it'll just make me reminisce of my times back in the Capital of New England. Mind you, Boston's one of the oldest cities in the states.

See. These are stuff that I haven't thought about once in like, a decade, and they just came rushing out.

I guess I can't face the truth, and that I can't handle stuff well.

C, stop thinking.

Please find out how you're supposed to feel and stay strong.

And it circles, again and again and again and again. - akimotochiaki 2008

I will take a picture of my SHINee albums. And spam tag every single one of you on fb.

Stay fresh.
B.

Basics

2010-08-19T02:57:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm going back to my usual routine again. The routine I had before you fucked up my life.

I'm watching their videos again. I'm going back to whom I used to be. Nothing will be different, except that there will always be a little part of me which dies when I think of you. Of course, I ain't gonna bother about news of you again because they just upset me like no tomorrow.

Even if 2PM is gone, I depended on DBSK. After DBSK left, I stuck by SJ. Now SJ is gone, all I have left is SHINee. And maybe MBLAQ's fashion.

I have nothing to expect anymore.

I promise 3 shitlong essay posts when I finish my exams.

love, B.

Lovers In Love

2010-08-11T04:16:00.000-07:00

Reading Yunni's blog cheers me up somehow, even though it's full of lovely dovey things she's saying to her dear other half. Haven't talked to her in a long while .__________________.

But it just seems so...sweet. I mean, it's just that she found someone whom she wants to spend her whole entire life with, and I'm still, well, splat here like a fried egg dumped in oil. Full of fats. And unglamorous moments.

And I guess I'm over him. Moving on.

Maybe it'll not be as hard as I keep thinking it'll be.

Peace.

B

Bestie

2010-08-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

What.the.fk.is.this.shit.

Gone

2010-08-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

I guess this just sums it all up.

He's gone, and will probably never be back. I know I've been crazy and unreasonable, but I guess I am going to let go now.

He's gone.

He's gone.

Stop dwelling on the past. It's over.

I can't believe I just said that I'm over him. I guess I've always been doubting myself on why I'm still holding on - he makes me happy, I've already held on for so long so I should just continue doing so. End of thinking capacity.

I wonder how long it'll take for the feeling to really hit me.

My leg is so fucked up.

bboyz

2010-08-06T23:33:00.001-07:00

Someone once told me that it sounded like the opening theme song for spongebob.

I'd swollow my pride, I'll bite my tongue, I'd pretend that I'm okay with all of your arrangements. But it's not working out. My life before seems to clash with what I'm doing now.

You have no idea how pretty he is, and how much it hurts to see him like this. This isn't what I wanted him to be, but I have no say in whatever his business is.

Trying to adapt herself back into a normal life isn't easy. Zara jeans don't make up for what she has lost.

It's just so sad, isn't it.

All the fans that left, they left to follow him.

Where U At

2010-08-05T01:47:00.000-07:00

Where did the bboy go?

Swagger boy? Swaggering the way you flaunting and loling on twitter after seeing news of himself online?

Happy

2010-08-03T02:38:00.000-07:00

It's scary how I can stay happy for 2 full days with something so small.

I'm happy this week, really. Happy and relieved, of what I'm not sure of. It sounds corny and sappy and all sorts of bleechtastic, but he makes me happy.

I swear I've been in love with this British guy from Bath these few weeks. My addiction to Burberry is what caused it by the way. Blame my dad for always purchasing Burberry polo tees. Oh hell I just realised that my parents have 2 couple tees which are Burberry. One red and one full cream plaid.

He can sing and he can model. Oh gosh isn't that perfect. Just let me gush like a retard for a while, even Cin says that she's never seen (or heard) me claim that a guy is "SO HOT! SO HOT! OHEMGEE HE'S SO HOT!!!"

Can you believe it he wears Converse High Tops (The dark blue one). That's it. I'm officially in love.

Oh of course not.

Random headbanging.

Let's wonder on.

2010-07-31T03:53:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to be down with a flu to skip tuition - it's another thing altogether when your stomach really starts to act up like bitches bitching away. Can't.Stand.It. I guess this is what happens when you don't have a regular eating schedule.

My mom suddenly told me that I should be allowed to learn whatever I want when I still can. She then continued with her stories about how she was forced to train Wushu and cross country and basketball and soccer and etc (note : end of thinking capacity), and she told me that she expected me to be like her.

My life can never be the same. For example, I don't have the same surroundings as her. If I never went to Boston, if I never came to Singapore, if I was born 30 years ago, maybe, yeah. And maybe she'd marry that pilot guy instead of my dad and maybe she'd become the air steward she wanted to be instead of a teacher and mr. pilot guy won't be so stupid as to fly the plane bound for somewhere in Europe to Taiwan.

Brainless git.

"我想学街舞" - that's what I told my mom back in 2006(?). Aish, along the same period as when I loved jpop and Super Junior still had 12 members. I did learn, but just like what happened when I started ballet and Chinese dance when I was younger, I totally gave up. But hey, I stood it for a year, that accounts for something, no? Hey, I learnt Chinese dance for 5 years, so shut up. I never liked ballet, and I can't stand the people I learnt it with. And yeah, I stopped because of my knee. Like what I said last (last last?) year, it's a long story. My knee's been acting up even before I joined SJAB. I shouldn't even have chosen SJAB in the first place.

I think it's true that chocolate raises one's moods. But lying in bed all day takes it's toll - like, I've been feeling deprived of oxygen for the whole day. British Council felt like shit because I couldn't breathe, and no one from my table even showed up today. The only thing that raised my mood (slightly) was Kevin asking me if I'm going for Singfest. Which I'm not, thanks to the 172$ ticket and me being broke. I seriously don't know where my money went. Perhaps it went to the cake I bought for my sister because I was feeling oh-so-generous.

Wait, I can't breathe.

I bought Geng Xin though, and I supposed I'm supposed to be happy. Which I'm not. I swear the flu bug's killing me. I can't breathe, and my head's been aching for the whole day and I just want to sleep but my bed feels so uncomfortable. Wait, who am I to complain? Hey, it's my blog. If you don't want to hear me complain than don't fucking read it. You're making it sound like I'm the one forcing you to read instead of you being the one who's actually stalking me.

Screw it I'm dead and gone.

Day 2 - Your Crush

2010-07-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

You told me to strive on, to fight, to wipe away those useless tears. And I tried, I tried doing whatever you want me to. I just want to make you proud, and make you like me more.

I even feel like doing homework, but this headache's splitting my brain apart. Even my movements seem to me as something out of a slo-mo scene of some sort.

I should carry on with the 30 day challenge.

Day 2 - Your Crush

Hi there, I wish I will be able to get to know you. I don't know who you are, or where you are, but I hope that one day I'll find you and I'll be happy. Please know that a part of my heart will always be with someone else. I wish that your name will start with 'J', and that you'll have a pianist's fingers. Please be a dancer, oh please, please, please. It'll be even nicer if you were a bboy, this way we'll at least have a common topic to talk about if we run out of things to. Please know how to rap, and don't have too high of a voice. Please be nice to everyone - except bitches and basatards. Please like my friends as well, and please like to wear hoodies. I hope that you'll be taller than 172.54, and that you won't mind me comparing you to others. Wait, I'm so going off topic here. I wish that you won't know that I like you, or just be a clueless git, so I can sit and dream of you from afar. Of course I wish that you'll talk to me, and not compare me with all the other girls with great figures and pretty hair and whatnot. Please don't be a fanboy over snsd or kpop. And oh, please know that the song bboyz isn't a spongebob song. Be humorous and happy, and do respect your elderly.

Wait, this is supposed to be for a crush. Times fly.

B.

Our love is david copperfield

2010-07-26T02:55:00.000-07:00

I swear I just shed a kilo or 2 and fat from my thighs on Saturday, but I pigged out on SIX peanut butter cups on Sunday (1320 calories, I counted), and I just ate a chocolate icecream cone and a plain waffle and a fried chicken shop and now I feel like I'm bloating up again.

And oh, I have 40 dollars worth of Hershley's products in my room just waiting for me to ravish.

I have awesome people following me on tumblr and on twitter. I should start writing again. And oh, I have to write my essay but I just don't feel like doing it because I'm just too fat and too lazy to do them.

I tend to judge people.

I want to leave this place. I know I roll my eyes at those who go "Oh mygawd, I hate our class/school/country/world/milky way/ universe", but I do have those moments as well. Like, I just want to leave, and I think I actually have a good chance of leaving if I would just buck up and find Mr. Motivation. He used to be my motivation, really, and now I don't know where the hell that is.

Hey J, when you finally decide that you will look for me, I'll be long gone.

I haven't seen news of you in so long. So long that I'm already starting to forget the little details of you. And I thought I'd never forget those details that I spent so much time imprinting them into my mind. So fucked up.

"To be honest, I want to go back in time." - Narsha Bbi Ri Bop A

I just got back to my most recent post with (WAIT, HANG IN THERE FOR A SECOND. I JUST BURST OUT LAUGHING FOR NO REASON. I GOT THE JUSTINA SYNDROME OH GAWD) the whole "holding you in my arms thing." X-Tina's Hurt just popped up to my mind, and when I clicked on J's link, I totally went like "eff, gawd, no." No wonder we get along so well, so quoted the whole song.

"Sometimes I wanna call you, but I know you won't be there."

Wait, I just laughed like a hyena and now I'm tearing. Great. Just great. Next thing I know I'll be labeled as a bipolar freak (wait, I remember my friend telling me that already.)

"There's nothing I wouldn't do, to have just one more chance, to look into your eyes, and see you looking back."

I remember the music video, even though I only saw it twice in my whole entire life - and heard the song 5 times. That's how impactful the song is. Although the first Christina Aguilera song I fell in love with was "Fighter" (and I bought her album by the way). Her voice is mind blowing. Yes, I wrote fics based on her song, and I especially love her spanish narration. That just sounds wrong.

Will not be accepting FB friend requests these few days. Facebook pisses me off sometimes.

I wear skinnies sometimes, but I don't feel like a girl. I don't feel comfortable wearing them. Sweats? Baggy jeans which has been broken into since 3 years ago? Yeah, those are the bomb. And I was so happy when I found my old adidas.

I feel like I'm always waiting for something that will never happen.

"If your people can't do anything we can do number 26."

"Crash Jack in plane."

More calories.

Oh gawd.

B

My hearts on the moon

2010-07-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

I'll hold you in my heart, till I can hold you in my arms.

"Life ain't always perfect growing up." - The first line of his cover of B.o.B's Airplanes. Life isn't perfect, just like every other thing in the world - nothing's perfect.

I realised that I'm not caring that much anymore. Who cares if he's so fucked up that he hates me - I can live without liking a person. I swear I'd let go, and I won't bother to fight for him anymore. The second letter I'm supposed to be writing in the 30 day challenge is to "your crush". I used to say that the things you forget, the tiny, little things that you forget, kill me, but you know nothing about me. I used to narrate my life in my head, and you played a very important role in the massive amount of brainwaves concerning it.

I quote from Sam (again) "Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought." I rewatched the movie, and I remembered why I used to be obsessed over Hilary Duff. Fiona's a bitch, an orange one by the way. Rain in a drought. At least that means there's actually rain. For me? There's not a drop in sight. It's not just a drought per se, it's a freaking black hole with nothing - even time stretches in it. He won't wait for the rain, and I won't stay to watch them fall - mainly because they won't. They don't exist.

You ain't perfect.

They say to aim high, so you won't fall that much even if you don't reach your goal. Kanye West says that even if you don't reach the stars, at least you'll fall on a cloud. One thing - the higher you go, the harder you fall. And that's a long, long way, especially if you think you're at the top of the world.

The way she sings it is so freaking good that I even get chills in my chest. I wonder how that's even possible. This is even better than Westlife's version (Anna, I love you for showing me this song.)

I swear I'm getting Em's Recovery. I swear I swear I swear I swear and it's priority is even higher than Believe in Me.

Oh freak my dad just handed me a 4cm thick cheque book for Orchard Central - we ain't even going there anymore. (cue eyeroll)

Alright.

I am very tempted to dance again.

Basics, anyone?

2010-07-22T05:56:00.001-07:00

I changed you, didn't I?

You didn't even know who he was.

I never even noticed him before.

We all change - it's a fact of life.

Day 1 - To My Bestfriend

2010-07-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

I promised I'd do the 30 day challenge of letter writing eons ago, and I'm finally getting to starting it. I know, major fail, but maybe this will distract me from how bitchy some people are becoming these few days. And oh, while my mom finds the glue so that I can continue making the finishing touches on Jaem's card.

New.Era.Cap.

That was random, I just remembered seeing a sox cap a few days ago, cept I didn't buy it because I only had 2 dollars (without my wallet kthx) in my pocket.

Day 1 - To Your Bestfriend

Hey Cin,

Aren't you honored that I'm choosing you to start off this whole list of letters to? Feel it, if not I'd shove ants up your nose. Lol, nah, no. It's amazing how long we've known each other for. More than 10 years? We went to the same Kindergarten before I moved to Boston. I remember when we first saw each other after I returned to Singapore - you were wearing your pink skirt-shorts that I so desperately wanted. (But it's okay. My dad got me a pink Burberry mini ruffled skirt when he went on a business trip) It was so awkward. We were just two skinny little girls staring at each other with nothing to say and our dads were the ones doing the interaction. Yeah, that was before there was a traffic light installed near West Mall. I remember chomping down the stairs to your house on the 8th floor with my 48 colored markers that I got as a leaving present, and staying over while your mom read us Disney princess stories. And the fact that we used to hang out at the playground nearer to our primary school. The people we used to spend time with left - the states, china - but we're still here, and I'm glad that we didn't change. I remember envying you for the clickits you got, and I remember getting all ansty and pissed off when you didn't allow me to read your archie comics - I still feel retarded by the way. And we had the same clothes - we still do now, right? I quote what you just said on msn - "i think theres a lot of ppl from our childhood that we stop communicating with, along with ppl who has drifted away
". You know so much about me, perhaps you even know me better than I know myself. And we fangirled together! (Such an important aspect imo) From our teenybopper phase to ww to liking dbsk because of their jpop songs. You stuck with Jaejoong for four years - something I'm really envious about. You listened to me rant and listened to me bitch about people, the people I like and the world in general. I was the one who told qj you liked him - aplogising (again and again), but hell, that's like 5 years ago. I can't believe it. I just can't. And you were there when I moved, you know my (old) home inside out. It doesn't even matter if I didn't get a butt-awesome or unique present from you during my birthday - I know you meant every single word you said (or I hope lah, aigoo). I just want to tell you how awesome you are and that I hope we'll last as long as our memories can take us. Let's always be there for each other, alright? I love you, and I'm just so happy that you're there.

Love, Christy (the other C!)
210710

That's you, Cin. Took it last year when we were at Bali - it's the invisible sunrise. Stupid egg yolk. Look! Even my blog layout has you in it! Hello, honored? Yeah?

The quote's from myunghee's story.

B.

Heartbreak Hotel

2010-07-19T03:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know why music bank is on. I really don't know why. I'm not even planning to watch it, but it's just on.

Life is just depressing like this - you tune in to something which you don't even plan to listen or watch, but it's just there distracting you and no matter what happens, you will notice it. From the corners of your eye. Like Jay, I've been trying to push him to the back of my mind these few days - not working.

I mean, I want to continue liking Jay since I've been faithful for more than a year - this long durations speaks for itself- but just looking at the new endorsements and pictures and stuff just depresses me. Is this the Jay Park, or should I say Park Jaebum, I fell in love with so foolishly back in March 2009? I don't know. Maybe he didn't change - maybe it's just me.

Oh gawd I just brought up the whole 'it's not you, it's me' shit.

This is Jay.

This is the Jay now. The bboy who's the main guy in Hype Nation - a movie about the hardships of the bboys of the west and the east (insert eyeroll, bboys are the hype nowadays because of him)

This was Jaebum Park, the one who rapped for Navi, and I still have his rap in my phone. The one with the kickass rap lyrics, not the gayassed nothing on you count on my thing.

Made this at the start of the year. Brian's Tears Run Dry. A must have song in my phone.

"I'm in love with you forever, why why why why why, goodbye" - Hwayobi. The song's good, her pants are cool, but I don't feel the same about those things anymore.

Oh those pants remind me of those I saw at Converse that ran out of my size. The only one left at that time was L, and I didn't even know people buy those. Damn.

I'm gonna get Em's Recovery and Usher's new album (which ain't that new anymore). Took me long enough. My dad told me to support Han Geng instead. What conspiracy.

Today's walk home was worth it, lol. Kenny and Jie Hui and Sammy and Tse Yan (who walked towards her 106 bus stop at the traffic light.) (L) People who stalk my blog ahhhh, now I know who they are.

Oh yeah, I must highlight what Kenny said today - "I hate Jovin T__T" the T___T face is really important (wait, I swear I heard Norazo say 'taj mahal'). Her reason is so retarded. I will not elaborate, besides the fact that it's ridiculously retarded. I'd (probably) have the same reaction if it was me.)

Some people care too much, I think it's called love. -Pooh.

107 is a way better class than the other one I lead for ISD today. What fkery. I really do like MBLAQ's clothes for this performance. They could use more cloth, but Thunder's suit is really nice. Oh forget about Music Bank, it's so darn annoying. I can live with more man vs food, and Ian Wright.

I have this obsession with being thin - I think I might really do something stupid if my weight ever reaches 50. I know it sounds so wthish, but yeah. If my mom doesn't reach 50, it'd be a hard hit on me if I do.

what if the person isn't even active on these things? and what if he doesn't even have statuses except for things like 'online' and 'busy' and 'away' and 'offline'? ~~i suggest he have an option called 'lifeless'~~

You know when people catch the person they like looking at them, they'll get this gooey feeling that somehow screams "OMG HE LOOKED AT ME!!"? Well yeah, that happened half a year ago, and now when I catch his eye, all I can think of is "OMG. He hates me."

Taken in SCC on the 17th - NYGH's CO concert. Lol, yeah, we shouted.

So what if I decided to hold on to even the thinnest strand of hope. Nothing will change, he won't stay, they won't stay, none of you will stay. We live in a world which is fast moving, and eventually, everyone will be gone.

Yes, including you.

(Pictures & typos from tumblr - credit as tagged)

I hope you care

2010-07-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

I am jealous.

Downright fking jealous of her. I didn't realise it till Cin actually looked at me and went "You are so jealous of her." Yes, it took my that long to realise. But hey, now I can finally place that...feeling in me.

I've decided that I must start writing letters - and I must send Jaem's card soon or it won't reach on time! -gasp-

Alright, that's so dramatic of me.

I had a bad morning in school yesterday, mainly because it started with a bang -- on my knee. I basically banged my knee on Yvonne's locker when I was standing up, but the most annoying thing is that a bruise formed like, 2 minutes after wards. But hey, on the bright side, I fixed that darn lock on my locker.

I'm not a person who accepts failure, even though no one actually notices how sorry I feel for myself. See, I'm a naturally optimistic person.

Yeah, like hell I am.

I just saw SHINee's lucifer video teaser, and I have to say I'm impressed by the style. I love Taemin's hair oh gosh, but I'm not a big fan of the tune. Maybe I'll warm up to it in like, a few weeks or something. The last move for the chorus is awesome. LOL.

Good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I hope that quote comes true.

And oh Jo, I've been wanting to tell this to you since Wednesday - Build Bridges, Not Walls.

B.

With love

2010-07-14T05:28:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I have 2 entries entitled 'Jay' in two days?

Joanne says that she's watching the video where Jay says sorry to those who doesn't like the name Jaywalkers.

Hey Jo, I didn't force you to watch it. [DELETED]

I guess people just don't get why I like Jay so much since they ALWAYS give me those 'you are delusional' look whenever I told them to shut up and stop talking about Jay.

I quote from this great literature figure, or to me at least, "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."

So yeah, if you can't hear the music, don't judge me for liking him. I can say the same thing about you loving like, what, Justin Beiber or Miley Cyrus or Jay Chou or Jolin Tsai or T-ara or 4minute, even Micheal Jackson.

So we have different views.

Hey Jaem! I haven't heard from you in a long, long time .____________. same goes with J. Miss you guys, you too Gee. I haven't talked to so many people.

B.

Jay

2010-07-13T05:42:00.000-07:00

Somethings you don't forget.

I think I am pathetic.

Every time I see the word 'Jay', I get this feeling of desperation, almost as if the blood in me just clogged up and I can't breathe and my head feels bloated with helium or some other substance. And than the tears come. It doesn't even matter if it isn't about him, it's just that when I see the word 'Jay', it automatically comes down to Jay Park for me. Ask people how much he means to me.

Don't ask me when I became so sappy and needy - it all came in the package of being a fangirl, especially a Jay one. Just that I never really noticed them before.

Had our oral comm presentation this morning. I totally fkingly screwed it up. I wasn't even speaking properly, and had to go up there and speak. Gosh I do have a fear of people. Justina seemed so nervous, and the only time I heard her stumble like that was when she was the second(?) person for our literature debate. She was so nervous. Her script was like, the bomb though. I'm happy that no one fell asleep during our presentation. Actually, I think Yewheng did, but oh well. Jerlene was apparently in my seat while I was presenting, but every time I look over, I always thought my seat was empty.

Maybe I do have problems of seeing things that are there and aren't there. Perception. Perception.

I love elective class, non-history takers ftw. Since, there's only 3 of us in class who doesn't take history at all. Shows how awesome we are, no?

I can't even concentrate in class when Jerlene's beside me, so I resorted to doodling on the new table and erasing them away (by force). Jerlene stole my magnet. Hmph. (Sorry to whoever the table belongs to).

I don't like Andrew Zimmer, even if I do like his show.

Every time I want to give up on him, there's always something inside telling me to just give it time.

I think I won't be sitting at my seat now for the next term. Better treasure the view whilst it's there. "I love your view!" - Pei Wen when she sat at my seat. Of course, that's when the seat in front of my is empty. I'm not that tall to see above his head ttym. Actually, I don't know why I'm complaining because I'm not that haggered over it.

We don't remember days, we remember moments.

I hope I'll remember you.

Jerlene says I have an accent when I spoke today. FML.

B.

Waiting

2010-07-12T02:57:00.000-07:00

I'm so so tired and I'm so so pissed off.

Maybe it was the fact that my correction tape was used up by Pei Wen this morning (FIRST PERIOD KAY. woots), or maybe it's staying up late, or should I say early, and watching the final of the World Cup.

It's just a tiring day.

I feel like he's trying his hardest to avoid me, and all contact with me as possible. Bitch.

At the end of the day, clowns will wipe off their make up and show just how tired they really are.

At the end of the day, the once-crowded tent will be filled with debris left behind by the people of the day.

At the end of the day, the lions and elephants will be in a not-so-comfortable deep sleep in their respective cages.

The cotton candy will just be sugar and air, and food coloring. All these won't make sense to me anymore because you won't be there to witness the whole scene with me. At the end of the day, all that pulls me back to see those is you.

I just wish you'd start the conversation with me. I wonder how you're doing now. Are you good?

People often complain that I have a stoner face, that I dao people a lot, that my poker face is just too there. Jia Hui told me that I do have that kinda expression all the time, but since she already know me for quote a while, she actually know that I just didn't hear her, not that I'm ignoring her.

And oh, hey Jo, just clean out your closet and admit that you like him. LOL. I'd gladly push the whole thing over to you and wipe my hands clean. -nod-

I'm hungry. I'm really, really hungry, and I think I'm losing my voice. Oh frick. I'm the host, and tomorrow's our oral communications.

Damn.

B.

breathe

2010-07-10T00:30:00.000-07:00

I suddenly realised how many things changed since I started liking kpop.

I was always a more western person - blame it on my dad who had to work in Boston when I'm young.

All those things I liked are just coming back to me. Maybe it's just the big shock of seeing Han Geng's interview on tv, the familiarity of his Chinese accent, or maybe it's because of Jay that I'm going back to my old roots.

The song With All My Heart's playing right now, and I'm probably gonna keep it on repeat for at least half an hour before I get to the next song. Aaron Carter, Jmac, Disney. Yes, I was a teenybopper follower that loved Disney. There, judge me.

I catch myself zoning out at the most awkward times, especially after Chemistry. I'd always feel like sleeping and whenever someone comes over to talk to me, I'd always be like "...wwuuhhaaatt?" in that stoney tone of mine which I don't know when I developed.

You know, I want to say that I've loved before, matter which J it was. The thing is, whatever all those came down to, it was just a light obsession of some sort, a phase that's gonna end one day, and cue eyerolling whenever I choose to look back upon them.

I just wish that you knew almost all of my posts are about you.
Or maybe it's for the best that you don't know.

I'm too tired to play mind games these few days, so spare me if I don't react to whatever you say. I'm just so damn beat, and I don't even know what causes this. So the next time I ignore you on msn or zone out when you're speaking to me, don't blame me. Yeah.

I quote from Gossip Girl (The book, not the tv series), "It's like I don't know when I'm happy until I look back on it afterward."

I never know when I'm happy, and I never really think about whether I'm happy or just content. I don't even know what makes me happy. No, Jay doesn't make me happy. Cin told me that "you shouldn't give up on Jay." Actually, she screamed it at my back while I was walking home. She didn't provide a reason for her statement.

Shit, just looking at Jay's smile makes me tear. I haven't seen that smile in 9 months.

LOL. Blurring the JYP ent's front door makes no diff cuz JYP's just too caught up in his own egoistic JYP logo.

I fell in love with so many songs because you were the one who listened to them.

I'm gonna do a thirty day challenge soon. I hope I'll complete it.

Spencer is so pretty.

B.

Who am I to judge?

2010-07-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

Justina's uber excited during school these few days, because of, well, this guy called wings. Wings is actually someone that she thinks the guy is, and uh, oh gosh, why is it so hard to explain things. I told her that he was just a "figment of (her) imagination", and asked her why she was so hung up on someone who's not even real.

Joanne turned around to roll her eyes at me.

Who am I to judge when I'm 'in love' with a guy called Jay, which Joanne tried I-don't-know-how-many-freaking-times to tell me that he isn't there in the first place, he'll never be there. I told her that I know. I mean, I really do.

Who am I to judge?

Insert eye roll.

She's right, really. Jay'll never be like, "Hey Christina, how's life?" when he sees me on the streets a decade later. He won't know my name and he won't know me. Freak. I realise that I desperately need a guy in my life - not a boyfriend, but a guy that I can actually talk to. Damn.

No, I'm not depressed thank you very much.

Taiwan has mad mangoes. I love mangoes.

Trucker caps! Bought a greenish one on monday (yes, I didn't get another NE cap) and realised that it suited my sweats. Win.

And...

J, I miss you too.

Rewind

2010-07-06T00:46:00.000-07:00

It's been 2 hours since I've been online, and I was actually gonna blog the first thing, but tumblr distracted me. And well, some other stuff.

Thing just ain't the same anymore. Jay's coming to Singapore, Han Geng's having a comeback concert in Beijing, Max being in SM Town 2010's world tour and Key shaving his head.

Thing just ain't the same no more.

I guess I'm a rash person by nature. I'm not a patient person either, and I tend to get offended easily, even when I say I'm fine.

I guess I'm just not too happy with my seat. I mean, I get why Joanne's happy about hers - she has nice and friendly people both in front of and behind her (cue eyeroll), but I have like, none. Why is it so hard. I basically have to call Jerlene's name every five minutes (Sorry Jerlene ._.) so I won't get bored and trail off.

Almost a week and half passed, and finally I'm watching the video of him landing in Incheon. And yes, I'm tearing again. It's always like this, I can't smile like an idiot and go "OMG -spazz-" anymore whenever I watch videos of him. I wish I could go back to my old lifestyle, but it's just impossible. No matter how much I try to just leave it all behind, all the bad and depressing stuff, things just won't go back to normal.

He's a part of a bboy crew that's extremely well publicized because he ~~was~~ is a Korean Idol star. Nothing can change that. Things that didn't chance since September 8th 2009 - his white beanie and his fringe. Or maybe it did change, just that I don't really remember all the details of his departure that clearly anymore.

Leave the past as the past.

How possible is that gonna be? No matter what happens, the sky will still fall one day, and there's no one to promise anything.

Affection is quite a scary thing.

Things can change.

I'm moving craploads of his pictures from my phone back to my computer. I thought I'd never do this. I won't delete them though, because that'd probably mean I'm really abandoning this ten month long fight. People give up their dreams for the ones they love. Or loved. It's just sort of crazy how one single person could make you laugh and cry just like that.

Things changed a lot since Jay. In my previous blog, the one which I used for a year, all the stuff I wrote during the time when he left and there's nothing else to distract me from the oh-so-real situation. Confessions, Misjayded, Lyrical confessions, 999 reasons. And those who stuck by me through those harsh times, I'm seriously indebted to you. I feel like such a bitch for not talking to all of those who supported me and urged me on, apologies here.

Someday I'd probably vent more for the confessions part and stuff, and maybe they'll always be on every single blog of mine.

The following are quoted from my blog, which means that they're by me, and belong to me as well.

i didn't cry when i saw Jay leave. I didn't cry when i saw him entering the gate. I cried when i thought of how lonely he must feel sitting alone on the plane.

This was the first line of the first post I wrote. It was written on 9th September 2009, a day after he went back to Seattle. I was still so, like, gone. The weight of it just didn't hit me yet, and it only did like, 3 days after he arrived in the Emerald City. It was a ploy after all, Ting, it wasn't just for the publicity. I prayed for him to return, I did.

"I think my hopes for him to continue being the leader of 2PM have faded when i saw the report of him reaching Seattle and hugging his mom.

"I suddenly felt evil to think that i prayed hard for him to come back, when all he wants is a little time alone, without the media and fans all around him. He needs his family, his friends, a little space. He needs to breathe."

I wrote those on that day. I don't even remember writing them, but it all seems to unimportant now. To look back, I was selfish. Heck, I still am selfish, and I'd probably always be selfish. I didn't understand how a person could give up his dreams for the people he love. Do I love Jay? Or, to put it in any way, did I love Jay? I'm particular over the word love. Love and like isn't the same, no matter how many times Joanne roll her eyes at me and tell me that they're the same. They aren't. You like someone, you like the things he do, but there's no deeper feelings. When you love someone, they really are your everything, and nothing in the world can change the fact that they're that precious to you.

And you don't stop loving someone. It's either you never did, or that you always will. So I'll see, if three years down the road and Jay's still on my mind, it's gonna prove something, isn't it? And him, J, I don't even know if I still like him anymore, because he's just so scary. Alright, I find him scary. Three years later I'd probably go like, "What was my reason for liking him again?" and if I still liked Jay, or at least remembered how much I adored him then, I'd probably still remember J. Because J is someone who's nearer than Jay himself, but reminds me so much of Jay. It's wrong and it's unfair, but people do stupid things all the time.

I'd be like that girl from the movie and I (would try, hard) won't hold a grudge. Sometimes, I just have to be the bigger person and let things go, if not everything will always be frozen at that point and time and none of us will be able to move on.

J appeared in my dreams, once. Actually, twice. The second time was the freakiest, it happened sometime during the June holidays. He was hostile, silent, and authoritative. TIMES magazine said that if a person appeared in your dreams, it's because that person wishes to see you. Bullshit.

I don't miss you.

There's a little truth in every lie.

B.

0727 060710

He's really coming.

2010-07-05T05:15:00.000-07:00

What fuck. I can't believe it. I just got on blogger to blog, with a visit to my blog, and I saw myunghee's tag.

She's dying now, so I went to her blog.

Jay.In.Singapore.

I googled it, and apparently Jay's coming for a showcase on the 25th at Sentosa.

FUCK.

And so I started tearing like heck, for whatever reason unknown.

I don't know if I should go. It's gonna be during the EOY times, and I just don't know if I can face Jay. I mean, even without really seeing him, I'm already so screwed up. If I actually went, I bet I won't sleep for the days to come.

I guess I am screwed up. I was gonna blog about my day with Jo, but everything just left me the moment I saw myunghee's post.

I don't like this. I don't want him to come, and I want him to have his feet STUCK to the ground with ultra-fast-drying super glue that won't come off in like, ten years. I can't stand him being so famous now, with so many people liking him and jumping on the bandwagon. It's just so wrong, and I feel so violated.

Tickets start selling on the 10th of July. I don't think I'm going. It's just not worth it. It'd probably destroy the whole image of Jay in my mind, or to follow my blogskin, the Jay won't be like the figment of my imagination. He won't be who I imagine him to be, he'd be real, flesh and blood. He'd have flaws, he'd have groupies. I'll be labelled as one of them if I went, and if I don't, I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

Jay screwed up my life. Already. The whole myspace shit was out in September last year, and it affected my EOY results. Now he's gonna be here, in Singapore, our small maroon-colored island, an exact year later, and he's gonna screw my grades up again because I won't be able to concentrate.

I feel the weight again. I'm not being dramatic, it's the feeling of pressure on my chest, or in, whenever I hear something about him. It's just so screwed up.

It's just too sudden.

He's really coming.

Jealous

2010-07-04T01:22:00.000-07:00

I wasn't even planning on blogging today, but I just told JO about Justina's message yesterday, and I saw this thing on J's tumblr. credits to kpopsecrets.

You’re lucky that you guys just started to love 2PM.

You’re lucky that you guys are supporting them after they became 6.
You’re lucky that you weren’t in love with 2PM during the shit.
You’re lucky that you weren’t in love with 2PM before the shit.
You’re lucky that you missed their dorky Idol Army days.
You’re lucky that you missed their Wild Bunny days.
You’re lucky that you missed them when they started promoting Again & Again.
You’re lucky that you missed them when they performed I Hate You.
You’re lucky that you never watched Jaebeom leave the moment it happened.
You’re lucky that you never heard the news of him leaving the first moment it came out and felt so affected by it.
You’re lucky that you’re standing by them after all the shit that’s happened.
You’re lucky that you’re supporting them even when theres so much people against them and you.
You’re lucky that you were never with them from the beginning because you’ve never felt the pain of watching him leave, watching them during the first weeks without him, watching them smile, knowing its hard without him.
You’re lucky that you support all of them with all your hearts, and Jaebeom as well, and still call yourself a Hottest and a Jaywalker.
You’re lucky that loving 2PM is effortless.
You’re lucky that watching their recent performances makes you want to spaz out like a crazy fangirl, not cry because hes not in there anymore.

Secret? I envy those Hottest with all my heart. I can’t bear to try and love 2PM like I did before. I can’t call myself a Hottest anymore. I envy you.

And I teared. I don't know why, I guess I just thought of how thing used to be when I'm still a fangirl, and suddenly things changed. I stopped liking 2PM after all those shit happened.

Jay left on a Wednesday. Was it during the holidays? I don't remember. I just remember cradling my laptop like my life was in there (My life WAS kinda in there actually) and stoning like a piece of charred wood. Excuse my descriptions. Twitter was bombing. Everything just didn't seem to matter.

It all seem so long ago now. But I can still remember details. I can't be a Hottest and Jaywalker at the same time. I've stopped being a Hottest a few months ago, and when he announced his fanclub's name, I wasn't really sure if I wanted myself to be grouped under as a jaywalker.

I get to pissed when I see what kpop has become. I get even more angry when I see people labeling pictures of, let's say, BEAST, and going "OMG YOU'RE THE REASON I GOT INTO KPOP!!"

I will shut up about this. Just one more thing, fuck the person who made this.

"JayIsBack" shot up to 8th place on the trending topics on Twitter on June 18 at 9:30 AM GMT
-Wikipedia

I still miss him, but I have other people in my life now.

I don't even know what I'm blabbering about.

B.

2010-07-03T01:22:00.000-07:00

I seriously don't know what I'm doing anymore. I keep losing my worksheets, and I feel like I can't concentrate even though I am putting a lot of effort.

Things just keep bugging me, almost for entirely ridiculous reasons. I just keep worrying, and worrying distracts me from whatever I'm doing. Math is still as tough as ever, but I find myself (slowly, very, very slowly) warming up to Chemistry. Maybe it's because I found an easy topic in them.

Why won't you like me back?

I realise that I am becoming more and more retarded, or ridiculous, whichever. Maybe it's because I'm sitting close to Jo and can kick her any time I wish when I sit behind her. Or maybe it's the flying post-its that seem to be everywhere. Why the company don't ask our class to advertise them, I have no idea.

Someday, they'll name a city after us.

I'm gonna get a new pair of school shoes on Monday with I'm going out with Jo so that I can finally wash my dirty pair of coverse. Actually, I washed them 5 days before the Malaysian camp, and it still got dirty because it rained almost every day. Freak. I just remembered cheapo again.

I'm beginning to realise that I may have OCD, or so Cin says. I notice hands, especially fingers a lot. I have this thing for thin, lean guys. Not skinny, but thin. Heck, they aren't the same thing. NONONO. Skinny is anorexic-like, thin is toned but not buff.

I'll probably start a one-shot/drabble collection or something, and update it whenever I feel like it. I don't feel like doing long stories these days, too much of a hassle. I just don't have the time - and the energy - to do those. I feel beat every day I come home. Heck, I already feel tired when I get on the bus in the morning. People who blast music from their earphones just annoy the heck out of me. I was practically late every single day this week, except for Thursday and Friday where I got to school slightly earlier. Good thing no one gave me a pink slip or something.

I've told myself that I'll stop typing up random entries on my blog and waste space just for you, but I can't seem to control myself. If not, I guess I just miss you, even when I see you.

When did I become so mushed-up?

I flipped my calender to July today, and it suddenly came to me on how much time has passed since I started liking him. Not Jay, but, well, another one. Six months? All because I asked Joanne who she thinks is good-looking. Me and my big mouth. If it wasn't for me, I'd still be all hook up with every single action Jay Park does. It scares me because of how much I don't care about kpop anymore. Maybe even Jay. Hype Nation started filming on the first day of school. Impact mints (Black Currant) are essential in my life now.

I'm starting to wear hoodies again these few days, one is because of Cin borrowing them, and two the weather's kinda...chilly. Yes, Singapore. It's all gloomy and cloudy and dark and rainy these few days. I love the weather.

For some weird reason, seeing Geng looking ... chinese makes me happy. Even though it's like, tearing every other elf apart and stuff, I'm happy for him to leave Korea. It's my own opinion, so put a sock in it. He looks old, I admit. His concept is too...heavy for me, but I know I'd love it all the same. I feel closer this way. He's gonna have a concert in beijing in July, and no one I know will be going. Actually, the cheapest tickets are like, 380.

"Fuck you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

Why do I always come off as whiny? Gawd. I don't know what's wrong with me these days. The first week of school was basically crap on top of I don't know what. Actually, no, I liked the first week of school. I think the aircon's fixed now, since I get effing cold and need a jacket.

Someone buy me a jacket.

B.

5.54

2010-07-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired.

I have a level test tomorrow.

I feel like all of a sudden, he don't mean that much anymore.

And

The guy sitting in front of my is frigging tall. (alright. It seems like it cuz I can't see Jo.)

B.

Cross My Heart

2010-06-29T03:13:00.000-07:00

I could have sworn that I was telling the truth when I said I didn't miss you.

I continued on with my life. I woke up at 5 every morning. I wear my left shoe before the right. I stuff my laces into my shoes. I stare at the floor when I walk. I zone out. I use maroon colored ink to document things. I still pick at my nails. I stare at his jacket. I get a headache after every literature lesson. I think math is mind-boggling. I hate fish. I miss my Burberry scarf. I gorge myself. I wish I had his jacket.

I try not to think about you.

For some sickening reason, you'd always be there, lurking in the back of my mind. Right there in the shadows I see you, hard to capture, but always there.

I wonder what I'll do if one day you were really gone.

Will I be happy? Will I feel relieved because you're finally out of my life, or will I feel a sudden emptiness in my chest like something important was dug up?

I wish I knew the answers to everything.

I wish I didn't spend so much time thinking about you, because I've told almost everyone that I disliked you and that I'm so over you.

I lie.

Cross my heart, hope to die.

B.

Malaysia - truly asia? Part 1

2010-06-27T01:53:00.000-07:00

Cin's forcing me to listen to a song called 'Your Call' by secondhand senerade. I have a stomach ache right now. Is this like, some aftereffect of camp or something? I'm lagging like, 4 days or something.

Listening to the song we used to sing.

So yeah, I decided that I should blog about something, so I will about Malaysia. There are goddamned freaking annoying gits there, and I feel the need to mention them so that I won't erupt like mt. soaoijfsduhifgudsuis (something along that line) in Iceland.

ANYWAY, I will steal pictures from Kenny and post it here later, so yeah.

DAY ONE___
Woke up at like, 4.50am (slept at one) to make sure that I didn't leave anything behind, cause I'm awesome like that. ANYWAY, the taxi came early, and I had to drag my adidas pure nior sports bag down myself because my dad isn't fully awake yet. Come on. So I reached school before six. Blame it on Lu Yao, who insisted to go early. FML.

Anyway, fast forward. We assembled at the parade square. Saw this guy who looks so frigging much like J, but I knew he won't be there, so I forgot about it. Apparently he's gonna be on my bus. Oh well. So a long journey to the Malaysian check point (I don't remember stopping by the Singapore one, is it just me?) I bumped my head like, 3 times on the freaking window, so hard (and loud) that the person sitting in front of me actually turned around. I must hide my face now, but I don't even remember who sat in front of me. Is that a good or bad thing?

Anyway, so we had a toilet break at Machap. Stopped by this Chinese restaurant for lunch. It was okay? I don't remember lunch at all. T_T Afterwards we arrived at Klana Resort Seremban and stuffed our things into a room before getting down for the briefing. Some people were complaining about the weather, and it annoyed me so much that I wanted to deliver a knuckle sandwich in their face. But I'm nice. (DDDUUUUUHHHHHH) -.- That DUH was meant to be sarcastic.

We did the Spider Web and Rapelling. Spider Web was cool, I guess, but I don't like people touching me. Guess what, I'm thin enough that I actually fit through the middle of the web. LOL. I wanted to take the bigger one though. Jo crawled through in the end, even though we can totally just pick her up and swing her through. HELLO!? Me and Jiayi (and Jovenna?) are macho women lmfao. Anyway, we managed to finish this in like, more than half an hour or something.

Moving on to rapelling. Oh darn I hate this. I was still crapping with Jerlene when we were downstairs but when it was nearing our turn, we were like "We're still like this right now, but it'd be a total different story when we're up there." Jerlene and Jiayi were before me, and they both seemed fine. Fine till they were asked to put one foot down. Basically, I started panicking when Jerlene suddenly went "What am I supposed to do?". I totally forgot all the briefing we had before. What's more is that the thing we were supposed to step on was so darn narrow and, get this, CONVERSE SHOES HAVE NO GRIP ,at least, for a rainy day. So when the guy was like "Put one foot down", i slipped and basically banged into the wall with my knees. Mind you, I was 6 stories up, so yeah. I went down like a fire victim. It was so HARD. And I could feel my hands burning even though there were gloves to protect them, and the helmet stank so much I almost puked. It connected with my hair FML.

I think my knees are bruising.

ANYWAY, went for dinner at this Chinese place. It's like this sister restaurant or something, because the tissues they provided looks exactly the same, except for the names printed on it. Nicholas got kicked to our table, and he's so frigging entertaining. Peiwen's using him as a lab rat. Poor guy (insert sympathetic sighing here). There's this black herbal jelly thing for dessert, and Peiwen (insert dramatic sighing here) snatched it from Nicholas. So he's the last to take. I took first. Nicholas decided that he won't wait for the honey and tasted a spoonful (It's those chinese spoons, and that's big) of the herbal juice like thing.

His expression was priceless. Almost as priceless as the one Jethro had coming down from rappelling.

My gosh I'm already bored.

.___________.

Anyway, slept with Jo with almost all of the lights on that night. Ahem. I won't tell you why so that we won't get into trouble.

I like group 8 now.

Stole this from Felicia's blog.

I don't want to be just another memory.

The thing is, I won't even be in his memory.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Ever feel like a knot of poisonous flowers took root to bloom in your chest? I don't know what this feeling is called. (Quoted from a P&Z comic, I think)

b.
6.16
stay fresh

Because you live

2010-06-20T02:11:00.000-07:00

I typed out this whole chunk about how much I love J's' bday card to me, but I realised that I just don't feel like resizing any pictures anymore.

J, you know how much I love you, so I'll stop here.

It's not him, but it's better.

Love you.

Be back in like, a week.

Hopefully I'll be happier.

Burberry, let's go.

Maybe someday

2010-06-17T02:56:00.000-07:00

You know how everyone wants a prince charming in their life?

Of course I do too. I've tried to conjure him up in my mind, but it's always a blank. It just used to be a tall, lanky shadow. I thought of his personality and stuff, and I just think that I've been to caught up in trying to make him perfect that I've forgotten that there's no such thing as perfection. Jay isn't perfect, no matter how many fangirls say so. He. Is. Not. Perfection. He's not that tall, that's for one. Don't use my words against me saying that I keep claiming that 172.54 ain't short. I said it for the sake of saying it, alright?

So basically we were walking towards the underpass beside TANGS yesterday since the one below Lucky Plaza was cordoned off because of a flood. And I saw this girl with this uber bright neon pink bag, so I told Cin that I like the design of the bag, in a diff color. Cin looked and me and said "Doesn't she have everything you want? Bag, Nike shoes, Converse Jacket, a boyfriend?"

Alright, I added the boyfriend part in myself. But really, she had everything I want. She's not that pretty, not that thin, not that tall, but she just seemed so happy.

Screw it.

I hate aoba. I hate city square - I haven't even been there yet, but I'm disliking it all the same because that places means I won't ever go to Orchard for dinner after my CCA on friday ever again. FML.

It was raining on Tuesday morning, and I left my umbrella at Cin's house the previous day, so I couldn't go to school. BB training was on that day. FML.

I can't find anything to eat at home. FML. Hokkaido cream buns ain't brunch. Seoul Mart stopped selling the ice cream and the drink I'm hooked onto. FML. Shop n Save stopped selling those Philippines dried mangoes anymore. FML. Everyone seems to be donning Stussy and the Julius headphones by skull candy. FML. Is it because there was a 20% off at the IT show? That's why I only saw 2 of it left on the racks?

Screw you.

You hurtful, conceited, no brained bitch.

Of course, that's what I say.

To leave behind

2010-06-15T07:46:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote what I'm gonna blog down last night, but now I'm flipping through it and I realised that there's not much point of me writing them down. It's just feelings, feelings I got after reading myunghee's blog. Boy, she finally blogged again. I never liked the layouts of lj, so yeah.

Basically, I've written about how everything's a figment of your imagination and stuff like that. Stuff that shaped me to who I am today, and I won't say I'm proud of it. I love quoting Gee, she just pinpoints the feelings I can't get to words. Same goes for myunghee.

I guess I'm proud of who he is now and how far he's gotten after the whole screwed up shit and stuff. But even if i'm proud of it, it doesn't have to mean that I like what he's doing now. It's just that he looks so happy now. I can't relate it back to the person who looked so small and dejected walking into the terminal in Incheon.

Stop it.

Stop thinking about it.

I've became like every other frigging fan who's just liking him because it's the hype now. It's so screwed up. Justina once told me that she doesn't understand why I'm such a fangirl. I guess I do get giddy every time I talk about him, and she also said that no one would understand the feeling unless the person is a fangirl as well.

I haven't been online for like, 2 days. I guess I can survive after all, even though I'd get a splitting headache and stuff. I'm heading to Orchard and bugis tomorrow. I hope I can get some froyo and stuff. And maybe I'll get those Forever21 cargo pants, if they have it in S instead of XS. I'm still surprised that I can fit into XS. And those are skinnies. Maybe I'll stop by uniqlo just to steal a plastic bag or something.

Oh yeah, in my previous post I've said that I was going gaga over the fact that semir's website will not load. Cin came back (that night after I posted it) and when I saw her the next day (aka yesterday), she was fully armored in semir.

I could only stare and be jealous.

Maybe the best thing to do is just pretend that nothing has changed and I'll just bury those measy things I call problems. Pile stacks and stacks of years-worth concrete and dirt including materialistic and superficial stuff and seal every crack exposed to the naked eye with dwarf spit. And it'll get easier after a while. It's gonna nag at me till those things bury me alive.

Hey Gee, I so miss quoting you. I promise I'll reply your email as soon as possible. I just have so much to say. And J, and all those I've put off. I've been pushing everything back for too long thinking everything will just fall into the right place. Frick I'm wrong.

And anyone noticed anything?

I've stopped talking about Mr. J.

B.

11.07pm
I've got school tomorrow.

Peace.

Semir

2010-06-13T04:33:00.000-07:00

The gawdarned semir website won't load. Maybe it can't be accessed in Singapore. What frick. I've been eating too much fried food these few days. I still need to get my trackpants before next week. Is regretting getting that adidas Bball bag instead of the puma one. Means that if my bag breaks right now (or before the end of this year), I'd have to make do with the one I used 2 years ago.

Wait, semir's webbie just loaded.

Why do I see Semir x Iron man.

It's so hard to find something good to read.

I know I should stop saying that I'm fat. I'm not, really. But I do have fat thighs. Nothing anyone say is gonna change the fact that I have fat thighs and I really don't know what to do with them. You're gonna say that I don't look fat in my pictures - anyone will choose pictures that flatter themselves the most. .____.

It's a nice picture ain't it. :D:D:D

I need food. Sunflower seeds ain't food. I want steak.

Gosh.

I feel like I haven't talked to anyone in eons.

B.

And oh, anyone know where to buy apple cider?

Hey you, I just got over you.

9 months and 3 days - why did he leave?

2010-06-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

It's been over 9 months since he left, so basically I shouldn't bring things like this up again. I guess I just want to add my 2 cents (or maybe, 200 dollars?) into this. It's not about me liking Jay and trying to defend him anymore, it's about why he chose to leave. Of course, this is just me speaking. I'm not Jay, so I don't know had been going on inside when Jay left.

What I know is that I really do care.

Jay loved Korea. Or should I say he still love Korea. He didn't at first though, him and Yoon. Best friends, brothers from other mothers, homies for life and those stuff. I admit, I stalked Yoon. I stalked his Xanga when it was still up. I read and read and read about how he likes this girl called Angela(?) and how he's proud of Jay. My stalkerness did pay off in the end though. I stumbled upon a letter he wrote to Jay. He wrote it after Jay left. I'm sure Jay read it, even if he never said anything about it before. Yoon wrote about how Jay was always better at him in every thing, rapping and dancing, and how girls always preferred Jay over him.

When did Jay enjoy himself the most?

When he's singing, when he's rapping, when he's breaking and when he's performing live. That's what his training was for. He trained for four years to perform, not to play monkey for tv producers. That wasn't what he signed up for. Heck, he didn't sign up for it in the first place. Jay just didn't want to go to college, and his mom thought that he might accomplish something and urged him to audition because he likes rapping and bboying. Jay couldn't sing at first, but he improved because he wanted to earn money for his mom so that she could buy stuff. He wanted to earn money for his family. He didn't think of the presents that he will be getting or how many celebrities will love him. He didn't sign up to strip or show off his abs on every show that wants him to.

What did he become in kpop?

I never thought that he wanted to be an idol. He just wanted to rap. He wanted to dance. He just wanted to express himself. Did he sign up to be examined under a microscope by the public eye? No. Did he sign up for netizens to dig up his past? No. What he's done in the past will come back to haunt him, and I'm sure Jay regrets it. But I don't think he didn't mean it. He meant it when he said that he's become a "gay version of myself."

I've gotten used to referring him as Jay Park. I feel uncomfortable when I hear people calling him "Jaebeom/Jaebum." I get really pissed when people call him the "Korean singer". He's Korean American, FYL. His roots is in Korea, but that doesn't make him a Korean Singer. He's no idol. He's no singer. Screw it. He's an artiste. He raps, he doesn't just sing. His raps have content in them, at least to me. He does covers of songs better than the original. He earned B.o.B $200,000 in like, 3 days? It's the Jay effect.

I quote from a soompier's blog, "if it was truly his decision to leave, it must mean that the dream wasn't real enough for him to hold on."

It's not his fault. It's not. I'm defending him, oh yes I am, because I call myself a fan of him. Those who were with me even before I started liking Jay knows how much he changed me. Like Cin, I love her. The other day when I was on 106 going home, I asked her why she didn't call him "Jay". Is it because she's just used to saying "Jaebum"? She said "Jay" is for his close friends and family to call him. I admit it, and I do feel uncomfortable leaving comments in his videos. Actually, I don't think I've ever commented on a bboy video before, despite that fact that I do download some of the neater ones with moves I like.

I don't want him to return as "EX-LEADER OF 2PM! PARK JAEBEOM!". Heck, I wish that he won't set foot in the kpop industry again because of how much they've hurt him. Guess what? I know he will, and that won't be just because of "Hype Nation". Korea has the best bboys, no? I will convince myself that that's a factor. He will return as "Jay Park", the ~~guy~~ man that was framed and cursed when he wasn't guilty, and he's back to show the world that he's not afraid, that words won't bring him down. He'll come back stronger, better. He don't need 2PM. He can light up people's faces by his talents alone (though I really wish that he'll rap more). Who needs Wolverine&ninja wannabes?

"If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain."

Jay had me in March 2009. He will still have me today, tomorrow, the day after, and on. No, I won't like him forever, if that's what you're gonna eye-roll about, but I do believe that I will remember him even when I'm really old.

Is JYPE not big enough like SM to bury a scandal? Or does JYP not care?

100个。

When I've passed that, I'll be fine.

"If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain."

B.

Peace.

I slept at 2.30 last night by the way, because I couldn't sleep.

Confessions

2010-06-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

So basically I'm not even hungry, but I have four rolls in front of me right now, two salted and two peanut butter and grape jamed. While I was waiting for my rolls to heat up, I actually did a short self-reflection in those 50 seconds.

What exactly changed for me with Jay and J.

Jay changed me, and it'll be more obvious for those who knew me before Jay. He made me stop fangirling over kpop. He gave me a whole new perspective on hip hop. I got back to my roots for breaking and R&B and stuff because of him. So Jay changed me.

J just makes my life more miserable. I don't smile every time I talk about him. Admit it. I smiled only once. And and and, it's Jay whom gets me smiling all cheesy, not J.

You can distract yourself for the whole holiday but admit it, you still think about it. You still check whether he's online every 5 minutes and you do go on facebook just to see if there's anything new when he ain't on msn. What does this mean? You've gotten over him? No. You're so not over him. So you still do look for his name every time you go online, but it's not without a purpose anymore every time he goes off. He's just not that important in your life anymore. Actually, he never was very important, seeing that you two never really even talked in the first place. Go shopping girl! Don't spend all your 50s! Be happy that you can fit into (the only size left) XS! Go get those pants! They're more comfy than your uniqlo skinnies which doesn't do your thighs justice because you look fat in skinnies! GOGOGO!

You know what? I just wish that you would forget about all these, pull your socks up, get your swagger back right and just start over. Try, at least try. Stop all those tears that keep falling from your eyes in almost any occasion and just stop. Be brave. Start over again. You don't need a bboy. Or a fione bgirl. It could just be like, something innocent. Like apply and cinnamon or something. Don't pressure yourself. Start on your homework. Watch soap dramas. Be yourself. Stop thinking so much. Get your swagger right again.

And you know what? Talking to yourself is a bad thing. But at least you're not schizo. You don't have a voice in your head. You're happy now. Enjoy it.